Silenced

Sometimes, the air is poison. I won’t face a mirror now. If I’d so, I’d go mad. Insane. Like you.

Like you. I cannot do what you did. You thought you suffered, do you know how much we suffer now? You lost yourself, and so did we. I know you. I knew you and your thoughts. I thought I knew. The truth is that you lied – though you didn’t really lie, but you silenced. If only you had told someone, anyone. Then I shouldn’t have to face you now. I wish I could have helped you out, I really do, but how could I have done that? Like everyone else I was entrapped, entangled in your playlet. Somehow I believe you didn’t want us to abandon our script. It would only have caused more problems. Talking. Taking medicines that would not have worked. Waiting. Waiting endlessly until all would be over. Isn’t it?

Is there another world for you? I hope there is. A better world. Anything so that you can be happy, finally freed from what bothered you here. From all those things you could not handle. Sometimes, air is poison. I can feel my lungs panting for air. My skin wastes away. Words and sounds have never been so useless as they are now. Everything, everything is too late now. Everything is over. That is the strangest thought. Over.

Can I still join you? How I wish you were here, or I were there with you. Sometimes, I imagined us sharing one mind. Somehow, I still feel it. I lost you, but I still feel it – if only anything could bring me to you. Straight to heaven. It would be so easy to leave all sorrows behind – I bet you thought the same thing. Just get it over and done with. Leave it behind. Laugh at those who can’t. They are too keen on what they posses, on their beloveds. Laugh at those who don’t dare. You have guts, haven’t you? Mock them who don’t.

Just don’t mock me, not me. I cannot follow you now I see how other people choke as I do. They’re all suffering because of you. I don’t want them to suffer. I didn’t want you to suffer. But as usually, I’m just standing here, doing nothing, because everything is in vain.

In vain. No matter what I do. I loved you. Yet I couldn’t have foreseen that you didn’t love life. Yet I cannot console anyone, especially not you. I could never have done so, could I? You would have mocked me. You would have withheld.

You would have died. Anyway.

*For those wondering, no, none of this is reality. I was inspired by sad songs of depressed artists, and by the way people felt by some of those artists dying, or anyone near them dying. The world is not the best place to get happy. However, which place would be better? Much of these thoughts on the matter I tried to put together here. Go sobbing now, and next post I will cheer you up.*

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10 Comments

  1. I’m glad you cleared that up in the end. Which songs inspired you? You have a very unique taste in music. People who like ballet don’t normally like The Misfits.

    Reply
    • Wow, wait, have I ever told you I like certain Misfits songs? Or do you just know me that well by now? 🙂
      I was listening to these songs when writing this:
      Flowers – Rozz Williams (he has killed himself, so this was quite a big source of inspiration for this post)
      Asleep – The Smiths
      I know it’s over – The Smiths (getting addicted…)
      Like You – Evanescence
      Alice – Sisters of Mercy

      The Ultimate Combination for Deep Sadness :).

      Reply
      • There are things I know that cannot be explained.

        The Smiths are always so grumpy.

      • Nah, that’s not true! I wouldn’t say they’re all too happy, but still they’re just awesome.
        And a bit sad.
        But awesome anyway.

  2. What I love about your work is, you are (I think) a fairly chipper person, yet, your fiction is often so dark and scary and goes in a direction far from your true self.

    Or, I’m wrong and you really are dark and scary!

    Reply
    • Haha, don’t be scared of me :). I do have a dark side, but it shows itself above all in these stories, which is, I guess, the best way of showing a dark side. If you keep it inside, things will go wrong. But you know, I can’t write happy stuff! Feels so fake when I write it. That’s why all of my characters are either very sad are just mental freaks!

      Reply
  3. A gripping life

     /  July 29, 2012

    Death… Always a fun subject matter. Ha! Your writing is passionate and makes death feel romantic.

    Reply
    • I suggest though that you all stay alive to read what I write ;).
      Where have you been hiding, by the way? I was really getting worried about you and Lily :).

      Reply
  4. Well done! You’re racking up quite the body count…

    Reply
    • It took me a while to figure out what you said, but now I do understand it, it makes me laugh a bit :). I guess the best stories I write are the ones in which at least one person dies…

      Reply

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