Mother, I tried, please believe me…

I’m doing the best that I can
I’m ashamed of the things I’ve been put through
I’m ashamed of the person I am

(Isolation, Joy Division)

Recently, this song speaks to me a lot because of its fitting lyrics. I’m truly ashamed of who I am, I feel very bad for not taking the right decisions. I know what decisions I should take, but something prevents me from doing it. The result of doing what’s right would be a lot of stress, and that’s the point: I can’t take it. The peace in my mind gets ruined if the plans I had, however vague they may be, change. Especially when it’s not for a fun thing. I want to know exactly what will happen, but that’s impossible if I take the right decision.
And that’s how I always end up doing what I shouldn’t do. That’s how I always end up knowing that no one understands. They’re right – it seems like I’m being so unreasonable and weird. Even when I try to explain it, they don’t get it. I sort of gave up. When I hear myself talk, I know what their reaction will be like and I can’t say I don’t get them. They are right and I am wrong. I know.

More than a month now I’ve been living in my own small world, of which I know every corner and curve. It’s nothing new, it’s not even really good, but I know what will happen and that soothes me. Leaving this comfort zone will cause a hell lot of stress, stress which will affect my body. I’ve been through this before: I won’t sleep well, I won’t be hungry and barely eat because my throat will feel squeezed. Believe me, it’s not a fun feeling. You become a zombie rather than a human being.
And I really, really wish I could let go of that stress and do what I should do. But my mind screams for peace and that means I will stay in my own small world and pretend everything’s okay. I’m so fed up with feeling chased, and now I feel like it day and night. I know everything’s not okay, but I’m too scared to change it, and I dislike myself for that. I wish I could be like everyone else instead of living so much in my own world. I should care less about ‘what I feel’. Like this I’ll get nowhere in life.

So I feel guilty, I feel bad, chased and never at ease.
Instead of just ignoring this all and be the person I should be…

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  1. Poor NBI. All the drama and no peace from the world.

    Although you say that you wish you could be more like everyone else, they’re probably experiencing similar anxieties as yourself. Even someone who appears to be confident and popular can feel alone and misunderstood.

    • Probably, but it seems like they use logic, while I seem to suck at that. It might just be a state of mind, something I seriously need to put in perspective, which I’ll try, but still. It’s time for me to grow up, that’s probably just it :).

  2. When I end up in a new situation or have to do something I don’t wnt to do, I try and think about where I’ll be when it’s done/I’m adjusted.
    And I always keep a soundtrack in my head.

    From what it seems like you’re describing, wrong is relative, and if it’s comfortable for you, adn not hurting anyone, “wrong” may be too strong.
    Dive in. Keep your music close by as you do.
    The next thing may be more fun than you expect!

    • Wrong may be indeed too strong, but from the other people’s reactions I sometimes feel like it’s the worst thing I could do. At the moment I’m trying to encourage myself and prepare myself to do what I should. It will result in something good for me after all (money). Maybe it will be less uncomfortable than I expect it to be after all. But we’ll see what the future brings, and meanwhile I’ll keep on trying to be a good human being.

      As always, thanks for your great comment! And yeah, logic is probably verrrry overrated :).

    • Noo 2 Noblog

       /  January 5, 2015

      I think that’s what Ian Curtis was doing if you consider the lyrics of “Novelty” – “just slap our backs and remember all the things that your’e gonna do, what your’e gonna do, gonna do, when it’s all over”. Unfortunately he couldn’t deal with the stress of the present before he got to what he was “gonna do”.

      It depends on your own mind as to what you can cope with and your mind depends on you, the experiences you are “put through” as a child and in later life, but the child experiences tend to be the dominant determining factors of your view of the world.

  3. thegeekyg4mer

     /  August 16, 2013

    I’m kinda the same, I never say no and end up resenting myself for it. I don’t write about things I want because I’m scared to offend. You don’t have to be like everyone else, you’re perfect the way you are because you are you and it’s your life, but sometimes that’s the hardest thing to learn. I need to learn to take steps forward, not sidewards.

    • You shouldn’t resent yourself for others! However hard that is sometimes. Yeah, life is filled with hard things to learn… Unfortunately. But I can whine about it here and that sort of makes up for it ;).

  4. Some people just aren’t meant to be logical all the time. Nothing wrong with that!

  5. I think the best we can do, is be ourselves – and not worry about others or what they think. Although it sometimes feels good to do the wrong thing, I think in the long run one ought to try to do what is best of feels right for oneself.

    • But sometimes it can be hard to judge what feels better. Though I agree with you: in the end it’s your feelins you’ve got to live with, so it’s better to keep things calm and quiet inside.
      Thanks for your comment!


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