The Fear of Beige Pants

They wear beige pants. They take no risks. They have planned their lives. Go to university. Find a man who has a well paying job. Have children. Be a rich and correct wife. They follow fashion in a sort of minimized way. Their opinions are correct, as they have good hearts. They are kind, good at everything they do – no real, deep talents, but a general talent for everything. They end up being all the same.

I’ve been to school with a lot of these girls. They had their lives planned out, even if they didn’t say it out loud. I’ve always had the idea there was but one way to go for them: a way to a good life. No financial worries. A good husband. Great children. You could see them and guess their ambitions. They all resembled each other and they all looked the same. It was a way of talking, behaving and dressing. These girls would always look neutral. They followed fashion, but not as fashion victims. They would always look decent. Sometimes, they wore clothes you can still wear when you are 30 and feeling still young enough.
Succeeding at school, succeeding in life. With all the money they were born in, it would work out. After allΒ  they know what to do. Go to university and become a doctor or lawyer or something that makes big money.
The aim? Status. Maybe I’m wrong,but it seemed like fitting in was priority. For fitting in, you had to have this ambition, these clothes, this behaviour. It was a club you could only enter if you adapted to the rules.
While they probably didn’t even realise there were rules. They most likely don’t think about their lives like this.

Three ways to become conventional.

Three ways to become conventional.

But I do.
I was never one of those girls. I was on the other side, to say it that way. I was the one fearing beige pants. Though we’re definitely not poor, we’re not rich either. We think about the money we spend. I didn’t want to become doctor. Still not. You could find me wearing fish net stockings, or T-shirts that were perhaps not really made for school. I was the girl with the weird opinions who wrote freaky stories about killing people (not that anyone knows).
So I didn’t quite fit in. And I was okay with that. However kind they were, we would just never be good friends. Small talk, yes. But the core, the essence is too different. My friends were all different from them. They didn’t wear fish nets, but they didn’t care so much about status either. And we did get along.

I’m still okay with not fitting in there. Now at university, things have changed anyway. There’s not such a group in my class. We’re probably all a bit different, if only for our studies… Maybe that’s the reason I am no longer such a ‘light rebel’. I’ve become more like ‘yeah, this is just what I like, whether it’s mainstream or not’. But there hasn’t been a day I regretted the things I wore at school, the things I said. That was me at that moment. And actually, I’m proud I had the guts to do that, to be different in a place where everyone was so alike.

All this never changed the fact that I fear becoming that kind of person, a conventional person with that exact behaviour I can’t even describe with words. It must have started like three years ago. I got worried about the fact that one day, I might be ashamed for the person I was at 16. Later on I feared wearing beige pants when growing older. There’s nothing wrong with those pants. But for me they represent a kind of person I don’t want to be. I want to accept all those freaky sides of me that perhaps have disappeared over time. They were there once. You can’t wipe away the person you were when you were younger.
But what if one day, I’d become a person I consider to be boring? A person that fits in? Really fits in, I mean. Like, with kids and a hubby. With no edges. Just a good person. No more killing people in stories. Contra death penalty.

River Woods - a good brand if you want to be in the Club.

River Woods – a good brand if you want to be in the Club.

That fear caused me to one day write about it in my diary. I summed up the things I didn’t want to become and the things I wanted to be(come). The other thing I did to prevent this all, was getting a helix.
Now that was badass. It’s just an earring, but in a place you are not supposed to have an earring when you want to fit in the Club. It might not make me prettier or whatever, but it says something about me. Even when I take it out, there will be a little hole and it will show that I wasn’t like them. Because of this thing, I will never be able to become really like them. At least because it shows I was different once. Not a real rebel, but I did have my own opinions and things I liked. They weren’t always generally accepted (Sex Gang Children?). But it didn’t make a bad person. Maybe it even made me interesting.

One day I’ll read my diary again and I’ll be relieved: I still don’t wear beige pants. (23 november 2011)

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22 Comments

  1. I wasn’t ever one of those girls either.

    Reply
  2. Freaky stories about killing people? You must tell us more!

    I wasn’t part of the higher social circles in school either. But who cares? You look back on all that nonsense and realise how silly it all was.

    Contemporary is SHITE.

    Reply
    • It is silly indeed… But a young mind thinks it has some value…
      If you want those stories, there all here. I do kill a lot of people in them. I only realised after five dead people and then I just continued.

      Reply
  3. For those on whom they fit, there is nothing wrong with beige pants.
    I expect if you did wear them, you would make them something unique and exciting.

    Enjoying what you like is its own reward, regardless of what labels anyone might try to put on you because of it.

    Reply
    • Yeah, that’s right. Sometimes it fits and it can be really beautiful. But if I wore them, I would have to combine it with lots of black and leather and lace, just to make it ‘me’.

      Labels suck. I’m glad WordPress doesn’t do as much ‘labeling’ :).

      Reply
  4. RO

     /  August 29, 2013

    Ohohhhhh… just bought my first pair of beige trousers this summer!!! (with a baroque print in them, does that count??)

    I was never really popular at high school but neither did I want to be. I just did what I loved doing and didn’t really pay attention to others. Drawing, writing stories and poetry, horse riding.. the list goes on πŸ˜‰

    Reply
    • Haha, the baroque print definitely makes it okay ;). Beige pants can be really nice, it’s just that they have become a symbol of the Club for me, that’s all.
      And besides, just wear what you want, that’s when people aget really cool!

      Nice list so far! Only add ballet ;).

      Reply
      • RO

         /  August 30, 2013

        Haha true! But I didn’t do that in High school πŸ˜‰

  5. thegeekyg4mer

     /  August 29, 2013

    I’d never wear beige pants, I like in the back of beyond and they would be dirty within 5 minutes! Jean’s and T shirts all the way! lol

    Reply
    • That’s another very good reason! Jeans totally rock. They are good in every situation. You can clean in them or have a party, they’re always right.

      Reply
  6. I thought this was going to be about getting food stains on your pants.

    Are beige pants really a sign of privilege? I never noticed it. Maybe I really am looking at women the wrong way…

    Reply
    • Maybe it’s only up here? In this small little meaningless city? (Meaningless compared to the entire rest of the world.)
      And privilege, depends on what you call privilege. I consider being free to like what I want quite a great privilege ;).

      Reply
  7. This is just wonderful – I know so many like this

    Reply
  8. This was a really great post! I know what you mean about feeling the need to fit in during high school, and feeling so different from everyone. And in university, it all disappears and everyone just is who they are and it’s no big deal. Much less pressure to conform. There will always be those “mature” people who seem to have their lives together, but don’t worry. Nothing is perfect for anyone. And it’s good that you have a sense of where you don’t want your life to end up. I’m more like, well if I turn out like that, then that’s how it was meant to be I guess!

    Reply
    • Thanks Lily!
      You’re cool anyway, so you don’t have to worry how you end up ;). Accepting the fact I’m a weirdo means I should also accept the fact that I become boring… But that’s theory and I don’t like theory.
      Above all it’s important to not try to be someone. And in that way you’re very right: if you end like something, it’s who you are. But it’s not because you want to fit in.
      Because fitting in sucks! πŸ˜‰

      Reply
  9. Fitting in is overrated! Plus, where’s the fun if life is all planned out?

    Back in high school I loved the fact that I didn’t totally fit in, I loved being a so-called rebel with rock band t-shirts and bad attitude. Years went by and I changed and, I hate to admit, I became more conventional. Although, I like to think I’m still too weird to have become part of the deadly boring people. I used to worry about becoming one of them, but not anymore. I don’t really care as long as I’m happy with myself and how things are. So far I don’t see myself with a husband, kids and whatnot (yuck!) but if that’s what I want one day, I can’t let my 16 year old self judge me.

    Love this post! πŸ™‚

    Reply
    • Thanks!
      You are very right with everything you say. I don’t see myself having kids either – I think I’d be a bad mom anyways.
      If more conventional is what you want at that moment, it’s totally okay. (Though it’s cool to have a little something that’s beyond what’s normal!)
      While reading this, I believe it would have been cool to have known you with your band T-shirts :).

      If we all end up being boring people, at least we had a cool youth!

      Reply
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