How to Look Like a Thief

So, I just embarrassed myself by behaving suspiciously. How can someone as honest as me look like she’s stealing stuff? I wouldn’t dare, I wouldn’t want to – and yet I managed to make it seem that way.

What happened?


In the student house where I live during the week, we’ve got the rule that every week another person is responsible for certain things, one of which being toilet paper. So this evening I came back to this room in this student house and saw that there was barely any toilet paper left from last week. I’ve got class tomorrow, so the fastest I could provide this house would be somewhere in the afternoon.

I decided there needed to be something done. Next door there’s a night shop though, so I put on my jacket, took some money and left. Now I should admit I find it kind of embarrassing to go to a shop for just toilet paper. Luckily there was no one inside when I entered. The shop has two parts: the front part, where the pay desk is, and the second part. I quickly saw there was no toilet paper in the first part, so I walked on to the second. Right when I got there, I though: ‘Djeeze, how easily could you steal something here!’

It didn’t take long to find what I needed, but at that moment I saw someone entering the shop. Dammit. I decided to wait, because seriously – I find it so embarrassing to buy only toilet paper. I waited some more, looked around a bit, slowly approached the first part.

Then the owner of the shop came up to me. I touched a bottle of beer, but it really must have looked as if I was just pretending to look at it. Which was actually true. He asked: “Are you looking for something?”
“Just looking around”, I murmured. That’s not really what people do in a night shop though.
“The beer is all in the front of the shop”, he replied.
“Well, I’m fine I think”, I murmured. I just don’t want to be seen buying toilet paper. I’m sorry.
If I had been smart, I would have looked at the beer, or I would have asked how much the beer I was ‘looking at’ costed. But no.

I could as well have run around like this.

I followed him to the front, where he repeated: “The beer is over there.” It was already embarrassing enough though, I did realise I was behaving weirdly. So to add to the embarrassment I just said: “I’m just gonna take this.”

I paid and smiled and ran off.

Luckily I didn’t have a big bag or anything with me, just a normal jacket without big pockets, and jeans. But if he didn’t think I was attempting to steal something, I would be utterly surprised…

Why can’t I just act like a normal human being?

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  1. Your posting made me smile. It could have been worse. You could have also been purchasing Pepto Bismol and/or hemorrhoid cream at the same time. You got off easy.

  2. Maybe he thought you had been caught short and weren’t going to make it home in time to use your newly purchased toilet paper and he was actually looking out for his floor!! lol

  3. Ha! Forget normal.
    I would definitely go on faux toilet paper heist with you!

  4. I used to feel this way about buying tampons but now I see it as a badge of honor that I am still fertile and yet not pregnant.
    PS– when I run out of toilet paper I totally steal it. From like friends houses or something. This is also economically beneficial.

    • Oh the horror! The trick might be to put them underneath such a giant box of conrflakes or something – and then have a pokerface! πŸ˜‰
      I was planning on doing that but smart as I am I just forgot to. Boohoo…

  5. A jolly amusing story!

    Next time, you should half wrap yourself up in bandages and pretend that you’re dressing up as a mummy. Gives you a plausible non-toilet excuse for buying toilet paper.

  6. RO

     /  October 14, 2013

    Hahaha! What a story.. I had moments like these..! They’re awful. But still.. it’s only toilet paper?!

  7. Oh this happens to all of us πŸ™‚ I was often suspected too and I showed my angry face & then the seller’s suspicion would vanish instantly πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€

  8. I love this πŸ™‚ I, too, loiter suspiciously and pretend to look at other things when attempting to stealthbuy feminine hygiene products — God forbid I should ever have to buy just those without a giant box of cornflakes to hide them under.


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