In a Safe Distance

I have come curiously close to the end, down
Beneath my self-indulgent pitiful hole,
Defeated, I concede and
Move closer
I may find comfort here
I may find peace within the emptiness
How pitiful

(Reflection, Tool)

I feel like this is going to be a sort of confession, starting with this somewhat weird quote from Tool. Why Tool? Because Tool is the kind of band that doesn’t only sing about love. Being the weird person I am, I need slightly weird lyrics to express the things I can’t find the right words for.

So.

The thing I’d like to say, is that I do find peace in emptiness. You know, the kind of emptiness when you’re not all too close to people. When there’s distance. I like distance, even with friends. I need to get away from them every now and then, just to become myself again, just so I don’t lose my mind. Let me give you an example. When you have this really close friend, and you’re watching a movie together or whatever, and suddenly the friend says: “You know, I fell in love with you as soon as I met you.”

Silence.

That’s the kind of moment when I just want to walk away, slowly, backwards. Let’s just pretend nothing’s happened, okay? Let everything just become normal again, like I want it to be. Great. Nothing’s happened. Nothing’s happened, goddammit.

Now, this didn’t happen to me, but perhaps it makes it easier to understand what I’m trying to make clear. The friend in this ‘story’ suddenly behaved different from what I expected and wanted. Even when people are annoying, I much prefer them to be annoying all the time, just because they are what they are supposed to be then. They are behaving normal. Normal is good.

And what about friends? It’s actually the same for them. Of course you know more about your friends and they know more about you, but it’s more fun when you both pretend like you don’t know all that. Which is a natural reaction, you can’t always think of everything the other person has told you once. But overall, they can’t come too close either. They should also be what you want them to be – their normal selves.

People say I’m introvert, but that’s just because of this all – I don’t want anybody to come so close. The less they know about me, the better. Of course you can’t hide everything, and friends are supposed to be there for you when there are problems and stuff. But they shouldn’t know everything. You are supposed to trust friends, I know, but it’s hard. Somehow I don’t trust people in general. They can smile at you one day and stab you in the back the next one. However much they say you can tell them everything, they might just laugh at you the next day. I don’t know. I have a hard time really trusting anyone. With some people it’s easier than with others, but still. Mostly I regret it when I open up my heart and say what is going on, what I really think.

Internet is different. I can say whatever I want here, because I won’t see anyone of you. There’s always the distance I need. We don’t run into each other every day. You can’t look at me and then think of what I said last night, last year, once. You only see the screen with my words. I only see the screen with your words. No real life dealing with each other. It makes it easier to speak my mind.

There’s a line no one should pass. I’m here in my own world and that’s fine. I don’t want company in here. I can deal with this myself. You can look through the windows and have a glimpse of what it’s like – but no more than that. You will have to leave me alone at times, you will have to accept that there will be moments I will talk less to you because you got to close. Deal with it. That’s how my mind works…

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19 Comments

  1. I’m with you. In my experience though, it’s good to have a few people you can completely trust. Sometimes they come in handy.

    Reply
    • It’s already a good thing to have you with me ;).
      I know, and there are people I do trust by now. Very close friends I know I can count on. But there’s always the tought ‘what if…?’ WHat if one day they won’t like me anymore?
      But it’s like I’m worrying about that all the time. They exist and that is fine.

      Reply
  2. It does sound like you’re something of an introvert, but you shouldn’t see that as a negative thing or take it as an insult – ’tis just your personality type. Not everyone has to be a loud mouth shooting their gob off every five minutes.

    I know what you mean about the Internet being different, as you can keep your distance as much as you like and everything is done at your own pace.

    Reply
    • Exactly – at our own pace. Wonderful.

      I have never really seen it as a bad thing, until my ‘new’ friends started to say I’m so closed and everything. I know I’m closed, but there’s reasons, so they shouldn’t try to make me speak.

      Reply
  3. I can relate. I’m great around people I know, not so good around strangers, unless I am on the Internet. Like you, I need the distance. There are a few close people who know a lot about me, but no on who knows all about me, and that’s the way I like it πŸ™‚

    Reply
  4. RO

     /  October 22, 2013

    I can really relate to this. I’m not an introvert, I am actually pretty outgoing, but that is somewhat how I portray myself to the rest of the world. If it’s up to me, I enjoy silence and loneliness sometimes. It gives me room to think, to be myself. It makes me prepared to face the next day again and to be happy and cheerful when I need to!

    Reply
    • I don’t understand people who are always with friends. How can you not need some time on your own to remember who you are? Like you say, I need it too to face the next day.
      ANd sometimes, extravert people are the ones who say the least about what they really think… But of course, you’re free to say it all here ;).

      Reply
      • RO

         /  October 22, 2013

        And that’s why writing a blog and comment on other people’s entries is such a nice way for me to express myself! As it must be for you too.
        And yes you are right, I chat a lot, mostly about other people’s lives. They don’t know a hell of a lot about me because I like to keep to myself in that area. That’s the weird thing about me! I love to listen, I love to solve other people’s problems or at least give advice, but I never seem to talk about my issues or ask for advice to others…

      • I do recognise that – I mean, of course I talk, but it’s indeed more about other people, or about some irrelevant things of your own life.
        Internet is wonderful :). I’m so glad I know all of you!

      • RO

         /  October 22, 2013

        Haha yes me too!!

  5. Oh my word! TOOL? You are a person who gets TOOL? YES!!! Everytime I feel a bit down i listen to Tool, because Tool gets me. I am a big fan of many many songs, from Sober, Patient, Parabola, Wings for Mary to Jambi.

    Also:
    “I don’t want anybody to come so close. The less they know about me, the better.”
    I also tend to apply this strategy. I have hurt a lot of people by this. Alone time is necessary (I love mine) and unfortunately loads of people don’t get it. With this in mind, I have also been called an “introvert” πŸ˜‰

    Reply
    • Yes yes YES.Tool is an awesome band. I believe Sober and Pushit are my favourite songs so far, but every once in a while I take a new one and listen to it and read the text and everything, as if it’s a little new present everytime. They so rock.

      Yeah, people seem to think it’s a bit weird if you want to be alone. Or at least it means something’s not really right. But I believe you need that to stay the happy person you’re supposed to be.

      Well, fellow introvert, what a surprise that we have something in common, hm? πŸ˜‰

      Reply
      • I know, total shocker. Try listening to Jambi – maybe you’ll like it? πŸ™‚

      • Of course! That’s also a great song. I like the way they seem to be telling a stoy, but in such a way you can still read it the way you want.

  6. Understand your caution and comfort, but remember it only takes a moment to make a difference in someone else s life. You can do it on the Internet, but you can do it in real life too. Love your song choice.

    Reply
    • I try to make a difference, yes, I try to be a good person and friend, and I believe I’m doing the best that I can. Helping other’s isn’t as hard as letting them help me somehow :).

      Reply

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