Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names – John F. Kennedy

I’m a kind person. At least, I like to believe I’m kind. Trying to be good, trying to help people. But however good I pretend to be, I’m also very unforgiving. Once you do me wrong, or my family, or my friends, you can just forget it. Sometimes, I find forgiving overrated. I cannot stand these people who say that we should forgive everyone, because we’re all human. Of course we’re all human, but what you do is your decision. And if I try to be good, I expect that of you as well. If you don’t try to be good and decide to insult me, then that is something you should face the effect of.

I’ve never been the person to publicly announce my discontentment, so for a big part of my life, I just let it all happen. If someone was insulting me, I wouldn’t say: “You are being a bitch, stop that.” If someone was laughing at me, I would at most try to defend myself, but nothing more. Now I’m done with that. I’m done with people who don’t seem to think of how I could feel about what they do or say. So I stopped forgiving. If you insult me, fine, but don’t expect something from me anymore. You could have chosen to not insult me. You did it yourself.

There are people who say that forgiving someone is for yourself, not for the other person. That’s probably true, but for the moment it doesn’t work for me. If I would forgive everyone, I would feel like being ran over by them. I need this ‘unforgivingness’ in order to stand strong. I will not let it happen anymore. After all it’s not hard to realize that when you tell someone ‘you shouldn’t be born’, he or she will feel insulted. That’s common sense. So if you still say that to me, I will no longer take it.

The upside to that is that people will start to ask for forgiveness. A while ago, someone contacted me on Facebook again. He had ignored me for a while, and I was pissed off. Not just by him, by the entire situation at that moment, but okay. So I wasn’t very talkative to him. Then, suddenly, he asked me if he had hurt me, and explained why he had done it. And then we finally kind of made up because we finally said what was going on. I forgave him. Had I been trying again to be the good girl you never have trouble with, he would never have apologized and I would still be mad at him. But now we made up and now it’s over and done with for me. You see, there’s still hope. If you beg for my forgiveness, chances are high you’ll get it.

For me, forgiving is just a way to let people keep on ignoring what I feel. So I will remember and when they need me, I will not be there for them. That’s just not how things go for me. I don’t want to be run over anymore.

Are you forgiving or absolutely not?

Thanks to Twindaddy for the inspiration, which he got via Daily Post.

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35 Comments

  1. By and large I don’t bear grudges for very long. I don’t know whether that’s because I’m forgiving or because I’m lazy.

    Reply
    • Hah! It might be a combination. It’s probably easier to not have to remember all the names of people you don’t forgive though.

      Reply
  2. Twindaddy

     /  April 28, 2014

    I think it’s great when two people are willing to sit down and rationally discuss something like you and your friend did. We should all be so willing to do so.

    Reply
    • Yeah, it did do me good. However painful it was, I felt like I really had to say what bothered me. It feels good to end this story like that – like adults are supposed to!

      Reply
  3. There’s a difference between being forgiving and letting people walk all over you.
    I can forgive people, but I can also not have any interaction with them after that. Forgiving isn’t necessarily forgetting.

    Reply
    • Agree on what you say. I just need to find the good balance between forgiving and being walked over. But hey, I’m still young, there is still plenty of time to forgive people later on πŸ˜‰

      Reply
  4. I’m forgiving. I forgive but I don’t forget. I figure “Fool me once, shame on you …”

    Reply
    • That’s a good one! I think it’s not a bad thing to think that way. After all you don’t have to accept everything they do to you – even when they are your friends.

      Reply
      • And, depending upon for what I’m forgiving, they don’t have to continue to be my friends. I’ve learned that it’s ok to say “good bye” to people.

      • That for sure is a good thing to learn. As long as you can do it in a polite manner, it’s probably worth it when you feel someone is dragging you down more than cheering you up!

  5. NotAPunkRocker

     /  April 28, 2014

    “There are people who say that forgiving someone is for yourself, not for the other person. That’s probably true, but for the moment it doesn’t work for me. If I would forgive everyone, I would feel like being ran over by them. ”

    I agree with so much of this, but especially this part. I wrote a post a few months ago about why people choose not to apologize, and real vs. “passive” apologies (“I’m sorry you can’t forgive me”)

    If I ever get more than 5 minutes to myself today, I might actually answer this prompt on my own blog instead of taking over yours πŸ™‚

    Reply
    • I’m not sure if I read that post, so feel free to put a link here! And you’re welcome to ramble away, I don’t mind that ;).
      Glad to see people understand. I didn’t mean to sound offensive or heartless of course, but it seems you guys get that.
      It would be interesting to read your view on this as well!

      Reply
      • NotAPunkRocker

         /  April 28, 2014

        I just posted on my site, with links to the other posts in question. It is something I am working on though. I may not hold an active grudge, but I don’t forget. It’s about learning that lesson without having it hurt me more than the other person.

  6. BEAUTYCALYPSE

     /  April 28, 2014

    this is an important topic, dear, and there’s wisdom in this attitude:
    forgiving is good for you.
    forgetting is not.

    however it’s essential (!) to actually stick with it.
    too many people claim to learn from their mistakes, while in fact, a little flattery can turn their decision upside down very easily. “oh she is so miserable now, I need to help…”, “he’s changed…”, “they sure didn’t mean it…” yadda-yadda-yadda. all BS. no need to get angry, but I say: everything has a consequence. too bad they don’t like the mess they’ve made πŸ˜‰

    Reply
    • Well yes indeed, everything has a consequence! And you will have to accept that. There’s no other option.

      I’m still not really at the point where I can forgive – but I hope that one day I will be able to, because it must be very calming. I’m still more of the ‘take sweet revenge by having fun’ kind of person. That still seems quite okay though I think πŸ˜‰

      Reply
      • BEAUTYCALYPSE

         /  April 29, 2014

        hehe, that’s what I used to think earlier. but truth is, revenge is a greedy bitch; it will suck you dry if you don’t pay attention.
        it’s healthier to make peace.
        but don’t force it. concentrate on yourself. discover your own part of the story – if you realise where YOUR fault in the situation was, forgiving comes naturally.
        of course, you shouldn’t blame yourself, rather see it as an opportunity to learn for the future.

        but be max honest and use the “active” form. example: “I have decided to trust blindly and honestly I was that lazy to let them do whatever they did” or “it was my mistake because I just made it too easy for them to let me down” (and not “they were mean to me”).

        if that ever makes sense to you πŸ™‚

      • It does, it does! I appreciate comments like these – interesting and wise! I will keep in mind that I should indeed not forget that I had a part in whatever happened as well. But I guess it just needs time for me to really learn how to forgive or at least let go. Maybe I really need it now, but there will come a day I will be able to get over it all πŸ™‚

  7. Well said. I think sometimes being forgiving means you get trampled on. Even if it is unintentional.

    Reply
    • Exactly. It feels that way… So we should find a balance between forgiving and being walked over. There should be one. But until we find it, I believe it’s more important to not be walked over. Forgiving can happen alter on still…

      Reply
  8. I’m not really one to bear a grudge, but when someone crosses me and doesn’t at ALL acknowledge that fact, I’m pretty miffed for quite some time.
    I’ve learnt that you can’t change other people, only yourself. So maybe that’s the reason I am pretty into forgiving. ( mind you, it is also a matter of how bad someone has hurt you. I’m not a masochist who keeps on getting hurt by someone, I just cut those people of of my life!)

    Reply
    • For sure – they should be at least a little sorry!
      As you say you can’t change other people, so that would be a good way to start forgiving indeed… For yourself is always the best reason after all πŸ˜‰
      I believe I should be able more to cut out people of my life. They use too much of my energy.

      Reply
      • Exactly! And they are soooo not worth all that negative energy.

  9. A classic case of biting the hand that feeds πŸ™‚ Kennedy was super right πŸ™‚

    Reply
  10. Reblogged this on oogenhand.

    Reply
  11. This post reminds me so much of myself 30 years ago!

    Reply
    • πŸ˜€
      So how did your opinion change?

      I must say that my opinion probably changed as well by now, but at that particular moment, it really felt like this…

      Reply
      • it definitely did. I spent half of my life being angry and not forgiving. I was only hurting myself. I am sorry but it is true what they say. I am much happier now that I am able to let go. Not saying I am able to forgive immediately every single time. Sometimes I do, sometimes it takes me a while. But I work on it and I don’t let it become a grudge πŸ™‚

      • It sounds very good! I’m happy that you feel like you’renot hurting yourself anymore, and you’re right about what you say.
        When I wrote this post though, I really needed this state of mind. I let myself be angry at people, and by showing them I was angry at them, I got the chance to talk things over again. In the end it always ended well. So I still believe that this was something I needed at that moment πŸ™‚

      • Oh yeah, anger is not necessarily a bad thing. Only if you let it go uncontrolled or if you keep it inside

      • Agreed πŸ™‚

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