It won’t work today

It won’t work today. I won’t work today. For some reason, I lack the energy and above all the will to keep going. It’s only 11 am and I feel like I’m supposed to keep on working until 12 am. But see, it doesn’t work today. I feel like having too little time and too much to do. I have to study for my finals, but I also have three more deadlines to keep an eye on. And that’s too much for me to handle. Days are short, subjects are boring, and translating turns out not to make me happy. Instead I feel like I’m zombiefying. I get up at around half past 9 in the morning, start working an hour after that and don’t really stop, only to eat, until midnight. It’s the sixth day today and I’m broken and frustrated and angry and tired, so tired. At the same time I don’t see how I’ll ever manage to do all these things I’m supposed to do. If I fail an exam though, it will give me troubles.

So… A most uncomfortable situation. To top it off I suck at doing things when I don’t want to do them. Up until a certain level I will manage to get over my not wanting, but this, this is too much. Then my inner fiver-year-old shows up and starts screaming NO NO NO DON’T WANNAAAA! NO NO NO! This never fails to make me feel torn apart by guilt and stuborness. It’s sad, because so very often you have to do things against your will, but when I doo it too much, it affects me physically. I will have no hunger anymore, I will sleep bad, I will feel sick. I’m not there yet, but my body doesn’t agree on this system either. My elbows hurt from leaning on them, my neck hurts because I’m always looking down, my spine begs for movement and the best one: my jaws hurt from yawning. I kid you not.

I barely see people, I barely talk to them, I have nothing to say anyway. This is a dead period, with nothing but obligatory stuff and endless guilt because you’re not working. Even eating feels wrong sometimes. Mainly because I really don’t know how I’ll get everything over and done with it. It’s so much and it should all be so good… But how am I supposed to do that? What more can I do? I need my sleep, you know, I have to eat, I have to take a break every now and then… But how will I be able to finish it all then?

In short, I hate this. I hate this so much. I want it to be over but it will only end at the end of June. Hopefully I’ll survive. It wouldn’t surprise me if that weren’t the case though… *sigh*

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19 Comments

  1. NotAPunkRocker

     /  May 28, 2014

    Ugh, I am sorry you are feeling this way right now. Try to hang on… ((hugs))

    Reply
  2. Ah,. the joys of responsibility!
    But think of how much fun you’ll have when you’re done!

    Reply
  3. Aww I wish there was some way I could help you! You will get there, I have faith in you, I KNOW you can do it! πŸ™‚ x

    Reply
  4. Like my dad used to say so many years ago. Be wise, keep the eyes on the prize. Know its gotta be a tough one. Someday looking back it may not seem that bad. Faith in something bigger as The Who once said. Keep the faith!

    Reply
    • Haha, nice saying from your dad! I’m going to keep that in mind. Doing my best to keep the faith – it just needs a restart every now and then…

      Reply
  5. I recognize this… all too well…… But; see it this way; Do it, and you’ll be glad you did in the end. (NOT HELPING, I know, but still.)

    Reply
    • I will indeed be happy when it’s over and I can take off to go study aborad! But I’m surely paying the price for that… But hey, life would be boring otherwise I guess πŸ˜‰

      Reply
  6. Hang in there! You got this!

    Reply
  7. Oh you will survive. You totally got this.
    No one is good at doing things they don’t like πŸ™‚ EVER!

    Reply
    • I’m touched by all this trust in me ;). Yeah, agreed, but there are people who’ve got discipline and just do stuff. I wish I could do that more.
      But today I promised myself I may put on my dance shoes in the evening, so things are going better with that aim in sight πŸ™‚

      Reply
      • I am very disciplined. There are elements that you will never love in life but you just have to have them done. Like buying chemicals to clean the house. I loathe it but I make sure I buy myself a chocolate while I am at it and it doesn’t seem to be that bad.

        ALSO YES U SAW THE GIVE A SHOT PUN!!!!! Yes yes yes!

      • Ah yes, the trick with the rewards – I do that too :). But that doesn’t stop me from taking ages to do something simple because I don’t want to!
        So I’m jealous of you ;).

        Hahaha, of course! πŸ˜‰

  1. Return to Peace | No Blog Intended

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