A sense of belonging

When I decided to stay in Belgium, I had to start my courses here a week later than everyone else. I missed out on almost all the first classes. That’s certainly not a big problem, and I have good classmates who tell me what I need to know about those first classes, but it does mean that I started my academic year a week later, and maybe that is why I have been so busy. Part of it, at least. It seems that I have been running from point A to B, from classes to food and back, and then to homework and then to bed and then to point A again. I have been running around, it seems. Just running around.

I thought this would be terrible, staying. I thought it would be hell. When I decided to stay in Belgium, I already knew I was choosing the ‘lesser bad’ option. Staying was not what I wanted, but being late more than a month in Russia wasn’t what I wanted either. And it seemed to go well. I have adapted to my new situation. There are small little bright sides here too: I have a good new room, I have good classmates and housemates. Things aren’t as dramatic as I imagined them to be.

But yesterday, I was listening to a certain song, and suddenly I started to miss all the others, all those who are now abroad. I miss them. I want them closer to me, I want to talk to them and go to dinner with them and have a drink with them. But they are all abroad and I am here because of no other reason than someone not doing his job well. I have lost. And I’m one of the few who actually had everything to go studying abroad. Not one retake for an exam. Good grades. No difficulties whatsoever.

And yet, here I am.

Together with missing my friends, I started to think I don’t belong here. I’m taking someone else’s space. This shouldn’t be my room and these people shouldn’t be talking to me and I shouldn’t be walking around here. It’s not like I don’t feel at home, because I do, but I have the idea that I’m out-of-place. I’m very used to this life here again already, and I think I’m doing well, and things look okay and everything. But I shouldn’t be here. I should be elsewhere.

It’s a strange thing, and I know I just have to suck it up, man up and so on, but this injustice and missing sometimes hits quite hard. I’ll get out of it again – but for now, I will try to find a way to deal with it.

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  1. NotAPunkRocker

     /  October 15, 2014

    I’m sorry you are having a down moment over the situation. Who can blame you? ((HUGS))

    Has anything come of them wanting to figure out how to improve the process for next year yet?

    • Yeah… I think no one would be surprised to hear I’m not liking it!

      They changed the coordinator who will be in charge of our ‘field’ of studies. I’m not sure if that will improve it, but with all the teachers knowing about my situation, I think I will get enough help next time 🙂

  2. I’m sure you’ll settle in soon, and feel like you belong. Things got all out of sorts, and it will probably take a bit for you to feel normal again.

  3. Poor NBI. You’ll be fine, though, as ballet people have all that sophistication to fall back on.

  4. Think about it – what would the alternative be? You being in a foreign country, alone and extremely late for everything?
    You will now have time to prep, do stuff the right way and go to Russia/Poland with enough knowledge to feel you are local as soon as you step off the plane 🙂


     /  October 17, 2014

    I think you’re just learning one thing that we are constantly misinformed about: you are the only person in charge, you must be present and deciding what you do and what you want in your life. (The other extreme is suing a fast food restaurant for burning yourself with their coffee – very childish behaviour if we break it down in fact.)

    So it’s true, others and not you failed doing their job properly, but *your* unique lesson is, next time you want something as badly, you’ll be checking the progress with everybody involved, making sure it goes the way you want it. Because you don’t want to get back to this place of Not Belonging Here.
    Am I right? 🙂

    • You are! The other lesson I learned is that I am capable of taking action when needed. Okay, it was too late, but I was still the first one to act while everybody was already getting nervous about not getting news from Russia. I didn’t let it happen just like that, and I’m happy to now that I didn’t.

      It’s of course a major first world problem, but still, I need some time to get over it. It helps to get these kind comments though 🙂

  6. Of course you can 🙂

  7. The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time and opening up your heart to love. Enjoy the “now” and look to the future for the new adventure. Be careful not to spend time always regretting what didn’t happen or thinking you don’t belong. The only thing you can change is what is in the future, not what has already passed. You seem like a great person. Keep your head up!

    • Thank you for this comment, it’s a good reminder to not think about what I don’t have too much. Really, thank you 🙂
      As for now I’m doing better, this feeling isn’t so strong anymore. Every once in a while I’m still a little upset that my big dream didn’t come true when I wanted it to, and because of the fact I gave up so many things for it. But other times I can appreciate what I have here still. It’s not all bad. This post was written when it was all still quite fresh, so it harder then. But upon reading your comment, I will surely remind myself of enjoying the present 🙂


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