One line is my sins, the other forgiveness for these sins

~ Arvo Pärt in an interview with Björk

However you approach the situation, you will always come to the conclusion that I bear some kind of guilt. If I would take this to court – which I would never do because it’s not so bad at all, but if – they too would come to the conclusion that they couldn’t charge him with anything. Not because of a lack of evidence or something along these lines, but because of something way worse.

I let this happen. I even participated. There isn’t a single sign of the fact that I might not have wanted this to happen.

There are two things in my defence, though it sounds pretty weak: I wasn’t really myself at the moment, and I thought I was doing what I was supposed to do. Something in me was apparently afraid of disappointing people. Unfortunately, this occupied my brains more than being afraid of what this meant to me. Somehow, I gave up thinking what I wanted and only did what I thought I was expected to do for the other.

Which, of course, I shouldn’t have done.

This might not be an excuse, but at least it’s an explanation. Also, even if the hypothetical court couldn’t charge him with anything, let’s not oversee the fact that there’s something like morals. Rationally speaking I’m guilty, but looking at it from a ‘moral’ point of view, I think we would all judge him too. Taking advantage of someone is wrong. Always. Even if the other person doesn’t realise he’s being taken advantage of.

If I would be able to turn back time, I know I would return to this very specific moment to make sure I wouldn’t let it happen. It took away a piece of my trust, my self-respect, my dignity, and I want all that back. Unfortunately I don’t have this possibility, but the least I can do is learn from my mistakes and never let it happen again. Not because of the fact that I could be judged, but for myself. So I will never feel used again.

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12 Comments

  1. A dear, smart and wise friend of mine (actually my boyfriend for a while 20 years ago) had the most appalling end to his 25 year marriage. He invited a friend in need to stay in his house and the friend started an affair with his wife, under his roof. In fact the friend and his ex-wife eventually married. But you can imagine how scarring it was. But he forgave her – it took him years (I’d guess at 5) but he did it and they remain friends to this day. I admire this and try to practice it in my own life. But you can only forgive when you start to heal. Heal well, dear girl 🙂

    Reply
    • Oh, that must have been hard! It’s good that he found a way to deal with it, to even forgive her. Which is probably really hard but really worth it!
      In my case I think I have to forgive myself more than the other person involved. Since it happened I felt as if I needed forgiveness from someone, as if only that would make up for the guilt. But I’ll get there, it just takes some time 🙂

      Reply
  2. Oh A. Living in guilt is a circle of hell in itself. I say take off guilt like yesterday’s clothes and get ready to start a fresh with the lessons learned 😉 AmIRite? 😀

    Edita
    http://www.pret-a-reporter.co.uk

    Reply
  3. Sadly, the people that are morally irresponsible either don’t realize it or don’t care.
    Many of them become used car salesmen.
    Or politicians.

    Regardless of the pezheads you come across, keep on rocking on, NBI.

    Reply
  4. There are many things that can happen in life that are awful, & the best approach is yes, make this into a learning experience, and move on…but don’t let yourself feel bad for any of it at the end of the day 😦

    Reply
  1. One line is my sins, the other forgiveness for these sins – part 2 | No Blog Intended

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