~ Arvo Pärt
If there is a line of my sins, then there should also be a line of forgiveness. A few days ago, I felt its roots. Suddenly a part of me decided that the guilt I spoke of was exaggerated. I admit that I’m to blame as well, but this was one single event, one single time, and I’m convinced it’s not all my fault. So this strong-willed part of me was fed up with the guilt and decided to let it go.
I’m still doing my best to accept, to believe that there are no other consequences than me feeling somewhat bad about it. The only damage is a hurt ego. Whatever the damage was though, there is no point in reminding yourself of your guilt over and over. I did something stupid. I did something stupid.
But I only did it once, and at least I know it was wrong.
Normally, it doesn’t take long for me to find my crown again. When you wear a crown, you have a straight back. When you have a straight back, you are strong. I’ve always felt a certain pride, a certain self-respect when someone hurt me. The fact that this time, I stupidly took part in something that hurt me, made it difficult to feel this. It is, though, always the way out. If I have my crown, all will be well. If I wear my crown, it means I have forgiven myself.
It doesn’t happen just like that, but I felt the line that’s forgiveness, and that is good. Something will eventually distract me and classify this under ‘things I did when I was young’. I’m not the only one doing stupid things. And it could have been worse. I will never think of it as ‘good’, or even as a ‘good lesson’, but it shouldn’t haunt me anymore. It should be what it is: history. And only that.
Do you want to hear what it sounds like, sin and forgiveness? I think I can hear it here:
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El Guapo
/ August 7, 2015If your takeaway is the last two lines, then it’s definitely a good lesson.
Remember that for the next stupid thing.
Sadly, it seems there’s always a next.
(But in my case, that’s a good thing.)
(WHEEE!!!)
No Blog Intended
/ August 7, 2015Hahaha, I suppose it gives good stories to tell!
It definitely is a good lesson, but that doesn’t mean it was good that it happened. Nevertheless I will never forget what it taught me… That’s for sure!
Osyth
/ August 8, 2015Thank you for the Arvo – one of my favourite composers. And thank you for sharing this process. I’m glad you have decided to move forward without living in your rear-view mirror (which can only mean you end up crashing because you aren’t moving forward as I constantly remind my daughters!)
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/ August 8, 2015Oh he’s definitely one of my favourite composers as well! Maybe it’s the strings. I like music with strings 🙂
That’s very well said! I will keep it in mind for sure 🙂
editalozovska
/ August 8, 2015What I will say will sound slightly surreal (mainly because of the coincidence), but when I lived back home in Vilnius, there was a stormy day – think thunder and lightning 🙂 I turned Avro’s music on and opened the window and just sat there, knowing that in a few months I will move forever to the UK 😉 After that, I listened to Edvard Grieg, and then the storm finished! It is actually one of the most serene moments in my life – I am SO grateful that you, lovely lady, reminded me of it 🙂
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/ August 8, 2015I’m glad I reminded you of that moment! It sounds as if it was very special. Also, Arvo Pärt is such a wonderful composer 🙂
editalozovska
/ August 18, 2015He is from Estonia and myself, from Lithuania, which makes him a fellow Baltic (these are the tiny 3 countries, Lithuania, Latvia and Estonia) 🙂
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/ August 19, 2015You know, when I’ve finished these studies, I want to go travel in Eastern-Europa, starting with the Baltic states! 🙂
Scott
/ August 9, 2015Forgiveness is tough to come by.
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/ August 9, 2015I’m afraid that’s true!
NotAPunkRocker
/ August 9, 2015What Guaps said. And, hugs (of course).
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/ August 10, 2015Thank you, thank you, and hugs back 🙂
editalozovska
/ August 27, 2015Aw, you’ll looove the Baltics!
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/ August 27, 2015I think so too!