The risk of getting shot

I tend to manipulate my memories when I’m angry. A while ago I changed the end of a memory involving Trust break guy. Instead of watching him go, I would go up to him, spread my arms and say: “Well then, pull the trigger.”

Due to some coincidence I recently watched a TED talk on the “power of vulnerability”. I felt like this was an issue close to my heart by now and decided to give it a go. While Brené Brown was doing her talk, I started to recognise some things, and it wasn’t really pleasant. As the title already gives away, she sees vulnerability as necessary. In short her point is that we need to learn to love with all our heart even though there are no guarantees. She also said that it is important to think we’re enough.

Well, hello there, mirror on the wall!

Some of these things sounded too familiar, and I’m not talking of the ‘vulnerability is necessary’ part. I’ve always been protective towards myself. I never wanted to be vulnerable. In my eyes, vulnerable means weak. Not so much for other people perhaps, but for myself very much so. I tell myself that I shouldn’t let anyone hurt me. And by saying that, I numb my feelings, as Brené Brown states. Not only the vulnerability, she adds, but also joy.

That might be true for a part. You probably can’t have just the bright side of things. Though I must say I can still feel joy and everything, even while being overly protective towards myself. Overly?

Maybe not so overly.

You see, how Brené Brown says it, you should be able to stand in front of someone and wait to see if they will pull out their gun. It’s vulnerable, but you will be rewarded, because this means you’re alive. Every time I try this though, it feels more like I’m standing in front of someone, give them a gun and point at my heart.

Here. Aim at this.

I haven’t really experienced a happy end so far, and this brings me to the topic of ‘feeling enough’. Brené says it’s a condition to be able to connect to people. You should think you are enough. You should feel worthy of love. I must admit that I fail at this. After all the disappointments you can’t help but wonder if you are maybe just nog good enough. Not pretty enough, not smart enough, just no enough to treat well. Maybe you are not worth it. Maybe they were right to leave you behind and ignore you.

Of course there is also another side, saying that you are worth more. Blocking out the bad side is a hard thing to do though, and this way I end up not feeling enough. I don’t know if I am enough and therefore I don’t know if I can connect to people. Something keeps me from getting attached to them and expecting something from them. It’s safer.

No one can look into the future (as far as I know at least), so no one can tell me if I should take the risk of getting attached to someone again. Getting attached is after all giving that gun to someone. Giving them the chance to hurt you.

So I ask myself: am I willing to take the risk of getting hurt over and over again while hoping that it will lead to ‘The One’ some day?

And the loudest voice then answers: no. I don’t want to let it happen. I’m not even sure if it will weigh up to the promise of ‘The One’ (I don’t believe in that idea anyway). So for now I will not accept getting attached and hoping. It’s the safest bet still.

Okay, that’s all the drama for today. What do you think of vulnerability? Is it necessary? Have you felt the need to keep people at a distance?

Return to Peace

It seems that quite suddenly, I’ve got over my thirst for revenge. Even more, I’m not longer fiercely, ragingly angry. The state I’m in is a sort of ice-cold neutral attitude towards This Guy. And that’s kind of a change since I’ve been plotting my revenge for about three months now. Coming to think of it, I should have grown my finger nails, just in case our paths would have crossed. There is a lot you can do with long finger nails. I will not go in detail.

Either way, you might be wondering who This Guy is and why I have been plotting revenge for so long. Even worse, every memory I had of him suddenly ended with me pushing him away and yelling at him. I guess my brain was convinced it could turn back time and do this instead… But as you see, that didn’t work out. Unfortunately.

This Guy is someone who hurt me very badly three months ago. He probably doesn’t even realize, but he hurt me where it hurt the most right then. He made me believe he was a good one, he wouldn’t try to use me, and then, then he just ignored me. Decided that I wasn’t worth it anyways. I had told him that I didn’t want that to happen anymore. But he convinced me that he was better, wouldn’t do that, etc., etc. He had very blue eyes and I believed him. End of story: he broke my trust and I couldn’t take that at that moment.

Revenge Cat

After that I went through all stages: hopeful, sad, angry, sad, raging, very sad to finally come to a stage where I was plotting revenge. A lot. Mentally. Physically. I didn’t care how, but I wanted to rip out his heart and crush it, I wanted to make him feel what I had felt. There are plenty of ways to take revenge. You can sneak laxatives into someone’s drink. You can yell at them on Facebook. You can try to hook up with their best friend. You can kick them in the balls. Why not?
Most plans kind of failed because it’s hard to kick someone in the balls if you don’t see him again. That’s a bit of an obstacle.
Next to these kind of ‘direct’ revenge, I also had another way. In my entire life I’ve never had such a straight back as during that period. There is no better motivation to look splendid all the time than having the chance to run into someone you want to make longing to you. If I couldn’t hurt him by getting angry, I could perhaps hurt him by being so beautiful that he would regret treating me the way he did. And never ever would I admit that he had hurt me so badly. So I straightened my back and dressed up. Every single day again, even more than usually.

Revenge Dino

There are people who say that revenge doesn’t make you happy. But oh believe me, it would have made my day, my week, my entire month probably. I would have enjoyed it to the most. Honestly, I was at a point where only revenge could kind of make up for it all. It’s not just him though – it’s more a series of events that made me furious. He was just the last bit that made it explode. Would I have met him, I could have clawed out his very blue eyes to make him pay for everything that had been done to me. Not very fair probably, but hey, he hadn’t been fair to me either.

Despite all my plans and the fact that I sincerely looked forward to my revenge, there came a point where I suddenly stopped caring. Perhaps because I had (and have) another object of hate now. Maybe because after three months, it’s time to get over things. It’s a bit pathetic, the way I couldn’t let it go. On the other hand, it showed that he had hurt me verrrry much. But now I don’t want to waste energy on him anymore. Plotting revenge demands energy. Being angry does so too.

This could turn me into the happiest person you've ever met.

This could turn me into the happiest person you’ve ever met.

Don’t get me wrong though. I don’t forgive him. I would only forgive him if he would beg me to, on his bare knees and crying his very blue eyes out, preferably. (It adds to the drama for sure!) Nor would I let go any chance to take revenge. I would still feel no mercy at all if his heart would be broken. I’m not actively plotting against him anymore… But one sweet day I will make him regret it. I promise.

PS: Did I mention that he had very blue eyes? I’m not even surprised that I believed him.