Soul seeks mate

Thanks to NotAPunkRocker I decided to answer the question of Daily Post:

How do you define the term “soulmate,” and do you believe in the existence of such a person — for you?

It’s confession time!

Maybe the cliché that “it will come when you least expect it” is true after all. As you might remember, I didn’t end up going to Russia last year. It broke my heart, it killed my trust in administration, it ruined my summer. I genuinely feared staying in Belgium. And of course, that’s when the magic happened. It wasn’t by far as terrible as I thought it would be, staying in my own little country, and I met someone. Someone nice. Someone pretty. Someone I could talk with.

So – boom! – we got a kind of couple. Kind of, because we both wanted to go study abroad. Only a few months and we would go our own way. That was the deal. It was a good deal, I thought. Then I went to Poland, did several stupid things and realised that I had been so lucky to meet The Belgian One. You don’t always meet someone that respects you so much and that you can trust. Actually, that is a little miracle for me. I seem to attract guys that will let me down by ignoring me. But with The Belgian One, I felt at peace. It was all calm. I knew he wouldn’t do that to me. He’s one of the best guys I have ever met.

Too bad I was in Poland.

But then I returned. We saw each other again, and – boom! – it felt better than before. Something in me seemed to have changed, which made our Thing just better. Still not official, but better than before. This was so unexpected. Who could have foreseen that we would see each other again? I never thought it would happen, let alone as good as this. Although it also woke up a hell lot of fear in me, it was actually really, really good. Really calm, still.

Then I went to Russia, and – boom! – I suddenly discovered that my head is faithful. I don’t want to go and try to find another one. I don’t want to take the risk of doing stupid things again. But with my faithful heart, I don’t feel any pressure to seduce or attract people. I will not make the same mistakes again. Instead I’m looking forward to seeing The Belgian One again, and I think he wouldn’t mind seeing me again either.

I guess you could say I fell in love.

I’m not sure if I could call him a soul mate. Some of my friends seem to have more similar souls and minds than The Belgian One and I. We do seem to have something in common about our way of thinking, which I guess is more important than sharing interests and hobbies. No one knows what the future will bring though. It’s very well possible that he’ll meet someone else, someone who seems to be more of a soul mate to him. (That’s something I actually fear.) There’s also a chance that we’ll see each other again and it will be exactly the same, but a little better than before. Maybe we are soul mates. Maybe love does come when you least expect it. *fill in another cliché*

The heart is a complicated thing, moving in its own way. We will see what happens, but for now I enjoy the thought that somewhere, someone every now and then thinks of me and decided to talk to me.

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One line is my sins, the other forgiveness for these sins – part 2

~ Arvo Pärt

Read part 1

If there is a line of my sins, then there should also be a line of forgiveness. A few days ago, I felt its roots. Suddenly a part of me decided that the guilt I spoke of was exaggerated. I admit that I’m to blame as well, but this was one single event, one single time, and I’m convinced it’s not all my fault. So this strong-willed part of me was fed up with the guilt and decided to let it go.

I’m still doing my best to accept, to believe that there are no other consequences than me feeling somewhat bad about it. The only damage is a hurt ego. Whatever the damage was though, there is no point in reminding yourself of your guilt over and over. I did something stupid. I did something stupid.

But I only did it once, and at least I know it was wrong.

Normally, it doesn’t take long for me to find my crown again. When you wear a crown, you have a straight back. When you have a straight back, you are strong. I’ve always felt a certain pride, a certain self-respect when someone hurt me. The fact that this time, I stupidly took part in something that hurt me, made it difficult to feel this. It is, though, always the way out. If I have my crown, all will be well. If I wear my crown, it means I have forgiven myself.

It doesn’t happen just like that, but I felt the line that’s forgiveness, and that is good. Something will eventually distract me and classify this under ‘things I did when I was young’. I’m not the only one doing stupid things. And it could have been worse. I will never think of it as ‘good’, or even as a ‘good lesson’, but it shouldn’t haunt me anymore. It should be what it is: history. And only that.

Do you want to hear what it sounds like, sin and forgiveness? I think I can hear it here:

One line is my sins, the other forgiveness for these sins

~ Arvo Pärt in an interview with Björk

However you approach the situation, you will always come to the conclusion that I bear some kind of guilt. If I would take this to court – which I would never do because it’s not so bad at all, but if – they too would come to the conclusion that they couldn’t charge him with anything. Not because of a lack of evidence or something along these lines, but because of something way worse.

I let this happen. I even participated. There isn’t a single sign of the fact that I might not have wanted this to happen.

There are two things in my defence, though it sounds pretty weak: I wasn’t really myself at the moment, and I thought I was doing what I was supposed to do. Something in me was apparently afraid of disappointing people. Unfortunately, this occupied my brains more than being afraid of what this meant to me. Somehow, I gave up thinking what I wanted and only did what I thought I was expected to do for the other.

Which, of course, I shouldn’t have done.

This might not be an excuse, but at least it’s an explanation. Also, even if the hypothetical court couldn’t charge him with anything, let’s not oversee the fact that there’s something like morals. Rationally speaking I’m guilty, but looking at it from a ‘moral’ point of view, I think we would all judge him too. Taking advantage of someone is wrong. Always. Even if the other person doesn’t realise he’s being taken advantage of.

If I would be able to turn back time, I know I would return to this very specific moment to make sure I wouldn’t let it happen. It took away a piece of my trust, my self-respect, my dignity, and I want all that back. Unfortunately I don’t have this possibility, but the least I can do is learn from my mistakes and never let it happen again. Not because of the fact that I could be judged, but for myself. So I will never feel used again.

What kind of man

Every once in a while, I stumble upon a song that instantly becomes my new music crush. As you may have noticed. (If you feel the need to be kind, you can now pretend to be surprised and say ‘No! Really?’) A few weeks ago, not to say a month, I accidentally ended up watching one of Florence & The Machine’s new clips, and it caught me straight away. Not only the song is really good, but the video just makes it better. It’s well composed and beautifully made. The combination struck me.

Which wasn’t really hard, because the song is about a difficult relationship. Seeing how things have been going with The Boys lately, I feel something inside scream dramatically ‘O MY GOD YES’ at the lyrics. The video includes a lot of touchiness, like when some guys takes Florence’s face in his hands – that kind of touchiness. Next to that there’s also more explicit touchiness, but all brought to you in such a way that it’s never really uncomfortable to watch.

In short, I’m just very fond of this song and video.

Now, inspired by this video and by my most recent adventure with A Boy, I came up with a few things you can do when things go wrong.

What To Do When A Guy Stops Talking To You Or When Things Go Wrong In General

1. Don’t even do the effort of thinking there is a logical explanation

People, unfortunately, are not logically thinking creatures. If only! I often think there’s some understandable reason behind things, because I like ratio, but let me tell you that that’s too much to ask sometimes.

2. Take a ballet class

Thank god for my ballet classes here. My muscles and stamina obviously need it… Also, ballet demands control of yourself. Of your muscles, of your thoughts, of everything. And you need to maintain a straight back all the time. Somehow it makes me feel very powerful, and that’s not bad, is it?

3. Put on your heels

Sometimes, those 5 extra centimetres added to my 180 cm can change how I feel. I’ve told you that before. Especially with my height I sometimes feel intimidating. Which I don’t mind! (If I don’t want to be too intimidating, I just smile kindly at people.)

4. Bother those who should be bothered

After a few bootycalls in the middle of the night, I decided to take a small revenge by bothering him a few times, reminding him of the fact that he’s got some explaining to do, as he promised. I knew he wouldn’t, but at least I reminded him of it. There’s no way I will just keep my mouth shut and give the impression I accept this. My sleep is important to me, so if you wake me up in the middle of the night twice, you just ask for revenge.

5. There are other things

That are certainly more important to be worrying about right now. Something along the lines of presentations, tests, trips, money, and so on. These are things that cannot be battled by wearing heels or going to a ballet class. So I’m doing my best to focus on making everything go right. Which isn’t always as easy as it seems… But hey, we’ll get there.

Now, go ahead and watch this video, listen to the song, and enjoy the drama!

Variations on the Same Theme

It was somewhere between four and half past four during the night. There was no one in the streets, and it was raining softly, turning this into a sad kind of darkness. I was walking home, slowing down with every step.
I absolutely hate rain, but something in me was very satisfied with this decor.

I continued my existential crisis at the kitchen table, eating biscuits and staring at the sink until I realised that if I didn’t move immediately, I would become too tired to even brush my teeth. Somewhere around five I finally laid down and noticed how the sun was rising already. It was noticeable lighter than it should be when you go to sleep.

However much I dislike the situation I’m in, my dramatic soul fully enjoyed these conditions. The only thing missing was a good soundtrack to this all – but next to that, all was perfect.

The crisis is still there though. I’ve recently found out that I’m still stuck in the same old pattern, the pattern I wanted to escape by going away from Belgium. Maybe it’s not connected to Belgium at all, but to me. I should have realised that before, shouldn’t I… This is the thing: I’ve had a few nice dates with a guy, and all of sudden, he’s disappeared. Well, that is, he will respond if I ask him something by text, but it seems he’s not keen on more contact anymore.

Well, that’s not a big deal, I know that. And no, my heart is not broken, I’m not in tears, I didn’t fell in love or something like that. The point is just that it pisses me off for real, because I don’t see the reasoning behind it. Why would you first be nice to someone and then just stop talking to that person? Often there is some kind of explanation, but because of bad communication skills, you never get to hear it. Not until you put them in a dark room and put a lamp in their face.

Just kidding, of course. (Though, coming to think of it, that might just work…)

I used to think that thinking rationally would help me understand things, but I didn’t realise that guys aren’t necessarily the most rational species you can find. It’s a lie that women aren’t rational – so far, my experience tells me that it’s more the opposite. I’m never the one who suddenly stops talking. A lot of my friends are just as confused about the behaviour of the Male Species as I am.

Don’t get me wrong though – guy friends are awesome, and often way more laid back than girls often are. I like having guy friends and everything. That’s never really the problem. It’s only when there’s this extra factor involved, let’s call it ‘attraction’, that troubles begin. Or silence. More often just silence, after a while.

For those wondering, I’m pretty sure this guy is not too shy, is very well aware of what he’s doing, and I have tried a few times to stay in touch. As I see it, there’s nothing more to do. I’m not going to beg for attention, that’s for sure. After all this problem boils down to the fact that it was all very sweet and then, out of the blue as it seems, it’s dead. It annoys me.

Also, another guy tried to kiss me, only for me to discover afterwards that he has a girlfriend. That’s not a nice thing to do.

If I’d write a book about my story with the Male Species, I’d call it ‘Variations on the Same Theme’. It would be a boring book – different faces, different circumstances, different time, but almost always this end of sudden silence.

As for the soundtrack that would have fitted that night, I think Arvo Pärt will do.

The Wink

Some of you might still remember this very old post of me about the first and second time I saw the beautiful Son of the Neighbours. But if not, here’s a small recap: so I have this neighbour (well, if you ignore about four houses in between us) who is very pretty and who currently doesn’t even live here anymore. But his parents do and he used to live with them. How surprising. The first time we met was on a lazy Sunday and I didn’t look all too well, so I was embarrassed to say at least. Traumatized is more like it. Then the second time we met I came straight from a holiday, and again didn’t look good.

So I gave up on him.

Now today my parents and I left the house to buy luggage (have you ever thought of how much luggage you need when you go away for 4 months?). I have been working today, and I’m not allowed to wear jewelry or makeup to work. Since the shop we were going to is so close to us, I didn’t put on some masacara or earrings. Then we left our house…

… And there he went, straight past us. And he winked. He winked. He winked at me! That might have had something to do with the half eaten apple he had in his mouth (one trip should be enough to carry luggage and an apple, right?). It was a good wink, not a creepy one. Of course.

I did my best not to melt, not to faint, not to run after him screaming MARRY ME! HAVE MY BABIES! Though it has to be said that this boy has an incredible disturbing timing. Why does he never show up when I look good? I take care of my looks so very often, and he only sees me when I look tired and boring? Oh well, our love is doomed since he lives elsewhere and is older.

But something about this is too funny to not tell everyone 🙂

To soothe a conscience

I know you’ve come to soothe your conscience. Just don’t blame me for making it itch. I only did what you did to me – and now you realize that I might be mad. Frustrated. Pissed of. Isn’t that late? You could have guessed before, that I wouldn’t swallow and nod. You said I was sweet. Maybe you didn’t see that sweetness has limits and ends – where you are now. Suddenly you seem to realize that. All of sudden it becomes clear… And only now.

I know you’ve come to soothe your conscience. In fact I didn’t even want to get along with this polite game we’re playing. I just wanted to ask where that came from now. After two months. Don’t even try to make me believe you still care about me that much. You just want to know whether I’m angry or not.

Well, I am. I am fiercely mad. It’s not just you, you know. It’s not just you and the fact that you ignored me. It’s all of you. All of you who ignored me after you made me believe I was different. I cannot stand that anymore. I cannot keep on taking it. I’m no longer swallowing and nodding. You know very well what you did, your actions are only for you to blame. Why would I accept that? You are terrible, all of you, for treating me like that. So yes, I’m angry. I have the right to be.

I know you’ve come to soothe your conscience. I hope it itches like crazy. You’re trying to make it calm down. But don’t expect me to help. Don’t expect anything from me anymore.

You’re the one to blame. Go whining somewhere else.