Unless a miracle occurs, I will not go to Russia this semester.

I’m still waiting for my invitation, I’m still waiting for news about a host family and some other things. Meanwhile, the academic year in Belgium has started as well. This is the first week. One more week before the deadline of ‘pick your courses’. If I don’t want to be running late everywhere, I will have to decide now what I will do.

But actually, the decision has been made. I will be staying in Belgium. If I go to Russia, I want to be there as long as possible, I want to do as much as possible there, I want to blend in. If I would still go, I would be late more than a month. That’s a lot. It’s a pity to not be there as long as possible, too. Today is the last day. If I still get a phone call – ‘your invitation has arrived’ – today, I will go. But that’s not very likely to happen.

I will stay even though I want to go to Russia so badly, even though I don’t want to stay at all, even though I have done all this effort to go. My holiday didn’t mean anything, because I was waiting. I have thrown away three months for something that will not happen. I have had so much stress for something that will not happen.

It still feels like a punishment, but I guess I’ve paid my debts by now. I feel like a zombie.