It won’t work today

It won’t work today. I won’t work today. For some reason, I lack the energy and above all the will to keep going. It’s only 11 am and I feel like I’m supposed to keep on working until 12 am. But see, it doesn’t work today. I feel like having too little time and too much to do. I have to study for my finals, but I also have three more deadlines to keep an eye on. And that’s too much for me to handle. Days are short, subjects are boring, and translating turns out not to make me happy. Instead I feel like I’m zombiefying. I get up at around half past 9 in the morning, start working an hour after that and don’t really stop, only to eat, until midnight. It’s the sixth day today and I’m broken and frustrated and angry and tired, so tired. At the same time I don’t see how I’ll ever manage to do all these things I’m supposed to do. If I fail an exam though, it will give me troubles.

So… A most uncomfortable situation. To top it off I suck at doing things when I don’t want to do them. Up until a certain level I will manage to get over my not wanting, but this, this is too much. Then my inner fiver-year-old shows up and starts screaming NO NO NO DON’T WANNAAAA! NO NO NO! This never fails to make me feel torn apart by guilt and stuborness. It’s sad, because so very often you have to do things against your will, but when I doo it too much, it affects me physically. I will have no hunger anymore, I will sleep bad, I will feel sick. I’m not there yet, but my body doesn’t agree on this system either. My elbows hurt from leaning on them, my neck hurts because I’m always looking down, my spine begs for movement and the best one: my jaws hurt from yawning. I kid you not.

I barely see people, I barely talk to them, I have nothing to say anyway. This is a dead period, with nothing but obligatory stuff and endless guilt because you’re not working. Even eating feels wrong sometimes. Mainly because I really don’t know how I’ll get everything over and done with it. It’s so much and it should all be so good… But how am I supposed to do that? What more can I do? I need my sleep, you know, I have to eat, I have to take a break every now and then… But how will I be able to finish it all then?

In short, I hate this. I hate this so much. I want it to be over but it will only end at the end of June. Hopefully I’ll survive. It wouldn’t surprise me if that weren’t the case though… *sigh*

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Why libraries are like swimming pools

My concentration span is ridiculous. Pathetic. Disastrous. My priorities are good, but not good enough – when I’ve got Internet, music becomes my priority, and nothing else. Or writing. Or checking 9gag. I know very well what to do in case I don’t want to work – which is often. I thought it was impossible to change that, until I made a radical decision:

I would go studying in the library.

Now, that was radical. Normally I like to eat and drink whenever I want, or I need music, or… No. I threw all excuses overboard and grew some balls. There I went, straight to the library, where it was bloody warm, but I sat near the window and put my books in front of me. Strangely enough, this actually worked. Or rather, I actually worked. By the time I left the library, I had seen quite a big part of what I still had to see that day. Without a break. I managed to keep on going for four hours straight, only looking up to see what other people were doing. Because, yeah, I still needed to know what was happening around me, you know. These things are important as well.

Then one day, I went to the library, fully prepared – not dressed all too warm because it’s really hot in there, but with a scarf and a big bottle of water. I sat down, put my books in front of me and suddenly felt something weird.

It felt like holiday. It smelt like swimming pools.

It took me a few minutes to figure out what this was. How can studying feel like being on a holiday? This wasn’t meant to be fun at all. So how could I smell swimming pools?

Is this a library?

Then I realized what it was. I don’t know if you, reader, have had the pleasure of going to hotels while on vacation? And if yes, did those hotels have swimming pools? Or did your camping place have one nearby? Because then you might know why I felt this weird way. You know, when you go to a hotel, there are many people you don’t know. In fact, you probably don’t know a single one of them (though sometimes you do – I’ve been there). But after a while, you recognise them and they start to feel so familiar. Even though you haven’t talked with them, it still feels as if they’re some kind of friends, or acquaintances. When it comes to the swimming pool though, you become enemies – everyone wants a good place there. Sometimes people put their towels on a sunlounger in the morning already, so their place is safe for the afternoon. You have to be in time to have a lounger there.

And that’s exactly how the library worked. I couldn’t study at my floor because there was too little space, so I sat in between people I didn’t know. After a while, after a day more precisely, they started feeling familiar. If you weren’t on time though, you might not have a seat where you normally sat.

Very swimming pool.

I like studying in a library. Because there are still people, because it makes you put on nice clothes, because there is barely anything else to pay attention to. Okay, I have to admit I saw every movement around me, and I mostly knew what the others were wearing, but next to that, I would really pay attention to my books. It made me feel better to actually do something. And it smelt like swimming pools. In some twisted way, that made it lighter…

The enemy and I

It’s a love/hate relationship. We’ve learned how to get along with each other. I know how to push your buttons. It seemed like we had a kind of deal: you accept me, I accept you. And I apologize for not always knowing what’s wrong, for not always understanding you. I really wish I could, you know. We could have the greatest time if only we could figure out how to get along and stuff. If only I could fathom you…

Because I’m using you without knowing what is going on on the inside. I’m using you every day, getting you on and off whenever I need you. Do you need me? I don’t know actually. I assume you don’t. I assume you’re here because you are the one who knows all these things about me, who gets me to places. Whenever I need advice, or even when I want to know when the library’s open, you can help. I’m very grateful for that.

But why is it so hard to really get along with you? Why do we always crash when I really need you? Is it me letting you down, or you letting me down? I can’t tell anymore. Our situation has improved a lot already, we’ve come from nothing to this. But it’s still not really what it should be. There’s still a lot of things that should be better… I want to be sure I can rely on you, I want to know more buttons I can push… I want to understand! And I want you to tell me what I do wrong. Sometimes I just sit here, baffled, not understanding what on earth went wrong. Can’t you just say what I should do in order to make it work? How hard can that be? You’re able to do so much, you know so much – why don’t you spread the wisdom? Share it with me. I beg you.

What’s going on?

In a few weeks I have an exam I’m eagerly (ahem) studying for. It’s an IT exam, and as you might know, computers will always be a struggle for me. By now I finally figured how to use the Internet, and Word perhaps. But overall I have a really small knowledge which won’t make me pass my exam this way. I do have hope that one day, my computer and I will be best friends who really understand each other. Until that day, I struggle and battle on. What else can I do?

Welcome to the cage

Please have a seat and make yourself comfortable. You’ll be spending the next three weeks here, between these four walls, only coming out to eat and get something to drink. No, not in a bar. I mean to get yourself coffee in the kitchen. To stay awake and hydrated.

Between these four walls you’ll stay, you’ll sleep here, study here, sneaking around on the Internet while you really shouldn’t. After three weeks of continually being here, you’ll have the finals – you’ll be spending equally as much time here as between those other four walls. But those four walls, there you’ll do everything: sleeping, eating, studying, sneaking on the Internet, and drinking (coffee and tea, still). Repeat.

Every once in a while there might be a moment when you see someone else – they will be alive, but you just won’t be sure, because you don’t get to see anyone. You can suppose they’re alive, but you won’t see them often enough to really have the prove. Seeing people again will be weird. What are you supposed to say again? What can you even talk about? Nothing really happens. Your books will become your new best friends. (Though it’s going to be a hate/love relationship.)

You’ll forget what good-looking clothes feel like, or shoes, let alone makeup. You will partly forget what being in a bar feels like, but that won’t change the missing. It feels like being buried alive. Buried in books. The outside world, with people living and leaving the house and everything – too unreal. Can it be that there’s still a life after this? If you survive, that is.

The good part is that your parents take care of you. Food will be served, dishes will be done (with a machine that does the work for you, can you believe that?), groceries will be shopped. Your only job is to ram all the information into your head and survive.

Survive.

Welcome to the cage.

June

It was Mooselicker saying I should write poems on every month, so thank him if you like these.

It’s June, the sun has returned
(And guess what, my legs were already burned)
But now I’m inside, finals coming up
And I’m so tired I can’t even use rhyme anymore…

My Life – An Update

A few things going on right now:

– the beginning of weeks filled with studying (finals are coming!)
– me realizing my life has moved to the city of my university
– me realizing I’m not nearly as dramatic as I used to be
– does this means I’m growing up?
– me realizing time goes fast, way too fast
– having seen The Hobbit and approving of it
– wanting to see Anna Karenina like desperately

Next to that, I’ve been overthinking something that recently happened, and I realized I’ve said so many true things. I was so right. Not fateful, but right. Holding water is impossible. But I’m not nearly as dramatic as I used to be about it. Guess that’s sort of growing up…

So, what’s going on in your life?