Illusions

I create illusions. That is what I do, every day. That’s what we all do. Isn’t life meant to look better than it is all the time? Aren’t we surrounded by illusions?

Yes, we are. But that is okay. Because it does in fact make the world look better than it is. And that’s what I try to do with myself as well. Everyway when I wake up, I look in the mirror, try to see what needs to be fixed and start putting on makeup.
(Okay, in reality, I stumble out of bed, hit the alarm clock, try to find food, slowly wake up, and then look in the mirror.)
Makeup is a lie, but a good one. Everyone knows the chances are high you use it, but as long as you do it well, they won’t really notice and they’ll forgive you. I don’t really understand why guys are so opposed to makeup, but I believe they just mean they don’t like obvious makeup. Don’t tell me that they always notice foundation, mascara and eyeliner.

Then I put on clothes and go on creating an image of a person that resembles me a lot, but isn’t entirely me. Because with all the ‘fixing’ I create a sort of alter ego. It’s not me, but a girl more perfect than me, less human than me. I want people to see me as a girl who never has a bad hair day, who never wears the wrong clothes and always knows how to behave. They probably know that’s not true, but as long as they don’t have any prove against you, there might still be a chance they believe it…

It’s just an innocent thing, putting on clothes and makeup, it’s routine. But next to that it’s the creation of a world in which a better version of me lives, and I want the people around me to join that illusion. I’ve noticed that I’d like everyone to pretend they’re less human than we all are. Which is a weird and bad thing. But I want us all to be above human things. Then I go like ‘I never need to go to the toilet’, ‘I don’t need to shave, my legs are naturally hairless’, ‘I don’t need food’ and so on. It’s like I can’t really accept the fact that that is normal. And sometimes I don’t even accept it from other people. That’s the worst part. Sometimes I forgive them more than I could forgive myself because I know it’s an illusion I try to show, and I know that they’re normal and therefore will forgive me for being as normal.

I just don’t want people to discover I’m as human as they come. I try to keep up the appearance of a normal girl that’s still somewhat above normal humans. Above as in, not having the same needs.

It sounds way more ridiculous now I’ve written it down.