This is not what I signed up for

There are people who would say I’m lazy. There are people who would say I don’t want to learn. There are some who say ‘just do it’. They could be right. They could be wrong. But who are they to judge? I judge as well and I judge that a lot of what I do is not what I want to do. ‘That’s life’, you’ll say. ‘Deal with it.’ ‘Just do it.’

In case you haven’t noticed yet, I’m not a big fan of ‘just do it’. I’m never ‘just doing’ something. I think about everything. Unfortunately, I wish I wouldn’t do it, but it seems that I can’t change myself so hard that suddenly, I’m ‘just doing it’. The point is, things should have a reason for me. I should either like it or understand what I’m doing it for. And even then it’s sometimes hard to get it done. I’ve just given up on an assignment that bloody hard and now I feel so stupid. Tomorrow I will try again, but it won’t help all that much and I will feel even worse about it. You see, I understand why I should be doing this, but I’m clearly not smart enough yet to do it and now I feel like I’m wasting time. There is so much to do, and there is so little time. I’ve got such a shitload of work and it feels like I’ll never be able to finish it. Let’s hope I will.

But meanwhile, all of our teachers just keep on giving assignments, stupid little meaningless assignments that you have to do. They take time. They take time I could be using for the preparation of my exams, which will be very hard. But I’m unable to get that done because there’s always this list of things I still have to do. And with every new assignment given, it’s like the teacher goes ‘I know you guys have so much to do, but here’s another thing, make it happen, just don’t sleep or something’. I kinda like my sleep though.

This is not what I signed up for. Of course I would want to party every day and stuff, which of course will not happen, but this is worse than what I expected. Give us a break, really. You expect us to be nice human beings with friends and hobbies, then why are you making us drowning in homework? And ‘just do it’ doesn’t count. I seriously hate it when people say that. It would be like saying ‘just do a triple summersault’. I want to see you do that and then we’ll talk again…

I’m not a fan of beingĀ  told what to do, so maybe that’s the problem. I know they want us to learn new things, but I also want to go out and have fun and feel young. Now I just feel very stressed. Like, VERY. I have no idea how I will be able to get everything over and done with, in time, without completely breaking down. It’s not just me, you know. I have to use sites which won’t work well. Hooray. When technology turns against you, you can forget it. Oh the joy.

Why do they want us to do nothing but working? Will they ever understand that I want more out of life than just making my assignments? How on earth am I ever going to be happy if I can’t do anything but working?

(And should this have a whining alert at the beginning?)

In times or tiredness: music

It’s been a while since I posted, but you all know I’m really busy now. Next to that I completely lack inspiration. I’m so tired. I can feel it pulling me down, literally. Gravity seems to have hands who grab onto my clothes and slowly pull me down. Though I’m always tired, I don’t sleep very well. Apparently, my favourite hour to really wake up mentally, is 22h. Or later. Rarely any earlier than 21h.

Life can be hard.

I also seem to have forgotten how to talk to people. What do you say? How do you smile? I used to know this, how could I forget? I am becoming a loner who doesn’t want to speak to people. Communication? Why should I?

I guess I just need a lot rest and stuff. Meanwhile I offer you a cool video – classical music is nice to listen to while studying, so I found this video in which every instrument has its own colour and ‘little block’. Like that you get more aware of what is exactly happening. And that’s nice. But if you don’t want to watch, it’s also just a nice piece.