This weekend I watched a certain video and it got my inner debate about guilt going again. I had come to terms with it, more or less, but then it all got loose in my head again. Maybe everything was my fault? Maybe I am guilty and no one else is? Who would judge me? With these question the urge to ask everyone’s opinion returned as well. I would like to tell some people my story and ask them if I think it was my fault. On the other hand, I don’t want to tell it, because I would feel bad if they’d say it was my fault. However much I agree, I want to hear them say that I’m not guilty. I want to ask everyone for forgiveness. I want to ask for forgiveness while I only need to forgive myself, really.

This dictionary defines guilt like this:


the fact or state of having committed an offense, crime, violation, or wrong, especially against moral or penal law; culpability:He admitted his guilt.


a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.


conduct involving the commission of such crimes, wrongs, etc.: to live a life of guilt.

Interestingly, they also define it as a feeling of responsibility, whether real or imagined. Guilt isn’t necessarily based on facts. It’s not black and white. There is an entire gray zone for every feeling, including this one. It’s very well possible that I blame myself way too much for what has happened. It’s very well possible that it is my fault. In the end though, I will never know, because there is no real answer to this question. No one has the right nor the ability to say how much of it was my fault and how much wasn’t my fault.
And yet I fear that people would judge me and think less of me. It would hurt immensely if someone who’s important to me would tell me that yes, I am guilty and no, (s)he doesn’t think I’m so “valuable” anymore. So far none of my friends has judged me, but who knows, maybe someone who knows me in another way would?
I do feel regret, and maybe that makes up for guilt, in a way. We want murderers to feel regret after all. I only harmed my own feelings, but maybe the thought of regret compensating guilt could make it better.
In order to feel comforted without telling you what happened, I would like you to judge this case, not regarding the consequences:
Imagine you know a man. He seems to be thinking of death a lot, you are talking to him about it and he seems to think it’s not bad, it could even be good. He lets you listen to a song about suicide. He hands you a gun, and when you load it, he turns to you so you could shoot him straight in the heart. However, during all this, he is high on morphine.
Would it be okay to kill him?
And if he weren’t high on morphine but living through a rough divorce, for example, would that make a difference?
(Luckily, I haven’t killed anyone, nor am I high on morphine. I just spent a while thinking about wrong and right and that’s when this all came up again.)
(It’s WordPress’s fault that the spaces don’t show. If anyone knows how to solve this, please tell me. It’s so annoying to read…)

How to judge in a second

I have a sort of talent. At least, I want to believe it is a talent and not just something annoying. Let’s give you the circumstances: if you are the brave one who dares to enter a shoe shop with me, and you show me some shoes, you’ll find me saying ‘No’ with the greatest of ease. One second is enough for me to judge whether I want to give that shoe a chance. The problem is, now I spend my time in shoe shops saying ‘No’ all the time. I just can’t find beautiful shoes. Although, today I saw a very basic black pair of boots with heels (4 cm, approximately, for the ones interested). But I need a second opinion. Such a scaredy cat I am.
So, a few seconds and I deem like a god. My friend and I are searching for a good song to dance on, but eerm, we don’t find any song that a) doesn’t force us to go hiphop, b) is not too classical and c) of which the length is 3-5 minutes. (Help us. Please help) We’ve been searching for it, we’ve been listening to songs, but a few seconds and…. ‘No’. The rhythm. The sentimental piano. Too emotional. Too classic. No no no. There are always reasons to throw something away, the best option is mostly the one with less reasons to do so. And that’s okay, I think. But nowadays I say ‘No’ so often that I start to believe I have to say ‘Yes’ every now and then.