Is it over already?

You might or might not have noticed that I’ve been absent for a while. I was on a much needed holiday – skiing. Nothing makes your mind as clear as skiing. Just broad fields of snow. Your only aim is to get at the end of it without falling. I like that. It cleared my mind, made me feel good, smiley, happy. I needed that after the long time of studying inside. Some fresh air and nothing to remind me of the daily life I would have to dive in again when we would be back home.

But now we’re back home and I had to dive in again.

I discovered I don’t like that. At all. How come my holiday is over already? If you start counting it’s quite sad actually – we spent three months having classes, than more than a month studying, and then: one single week of holiday. One. Single. Week. And thanks to my awesome teachers I already had to do a sort of task meanwhile. How I love that.

At least I have had four days of snow and snow only, with fresh air, sun, good food and my family. I could use some more of that, but it’s good to at least have had that. Now you canexpect me to comment, like and post again. See you seen, my dears.

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Earrings and drama (or rather the absence of both…)

So I’m sitting at home and feeling a bit lost. When nothing really happens, I start to freak out by fear of missing out of something. Where’s the drama? Where’s the doubts? Where are they? I’ve got nothing to tell and that’s just sad. I need more stuff to think and talk about, otherwise I end up like this: doing nothing at all though I’ve got a test coming up, and feeling like this – sort of empty, sort of useless. It’s time for some adventure again. Hopefully soon.

Meanwhile, I will enjoy the sun (it has returned! it has returned!) and my new jeans shirt. I can become incredibly happy because of something like a jeans shirt, because of waking up due to sunlight, because of spending time with friends while enjoying the sun, and so on. I know I shouldn’t want more, but I definitely miss just something going on. Something, just fucking something! And I’m not talking about the regular stuff that is always going on. I’d even prefer doing slightly stupid things over doing nothing at all.

There. I said it. I’d rather be stupid than at home, studying, like I should? Dear lord. I’m such a teenager.

My punk/post-punk/ new wave love has returned full power thanks to my new jeans shirt, which is slightly new wave. I seriously consider getting myself a helix again. I’ve been thinking about this for about two years or something, and I’ll probably keep on thinking about it without any result… Will I regret it? I mean, after all it would be but an earring… There are plenty of other things I could regret, drinking too much, smoking, drugs,… And I’m fairly good at running away from all those things, so maybe I deserve this kind of regret.

Eternal doubts about earrings and a lack of drama. I almost can’t get over the teenageness of this post…! 😉

 

Running over the same old ground…

For those who know where to look, my stories are sprinkled over this blog. You should be able to reconstruct everything that’s happened by reading it all the right way. I’d love to tell the entire story as it is, clearly, without vagueness. But to protect other people’s privacy and my own, I can’t do that. Sometimes, when randomly rereading parts of my diary, I realize how strangely interwoven everything can be, and how weird overall. You wouldn’t make this kind of things up, I believe. Especially I wouldn’t, because no one died ;).

And now I’m at home while I should be in class, because I’ve got a headache (ouch ouch), and I’m thinking about my crappy life. No, that’s not true. My life isn’t crappy. Though we’re running over the same old ground again. But I’m smarter now and I know what to expect – nothing. It’s a lot easier to be happy when you are sure about what to expect. No more begging for what’s lost, I once wrote. Soon everything will be just like before… Unless life decides to fool me again. I know I won’t resist, but all along, what does it matter?

I will get rid of the headache and somehow, everything will turn out right. Maybe it’s all come to an end already. The future will tell, and perhaps one day I’ll tell you the entire story.

Distincting vagueness

Get up.

Go to a nearby lake, or sea, or puddle.

Watch it.

Stretch out your hand.

Touch the water.

Put your hand in the water.

Try to hold it.

It will escape.

Try better.

Squeeze it.

Cherish it.

Claw.

Take a deep breath.

Is it worth it?

Is it worth trying?

Or is it in vain? Useless? To no avail?

Answers.

If only you knew whether you’re wasting your time or not.

It would definitely be interesting to know for sure.

Perhaps you could give up in time.

There’s also a chance though, that it isn’t useless at all.

But you can’t be sure.

So get up.

Go to a nearby oracle.

Sacrifice something, offer it to the possibly existing gods.

Ask for the truth: yes, no, delete as appropriate.

Clearness, goddamnit.

Distinctness.

Would make things easier.

So get up.

Go to a nearby lake, sea, or puddle.

Stare at it.

Stretch out your hand.

Not to the water – to the person.

 

Ask.