Sweet Nothing

A while ago I stumbled upon a song that I already knew but never really listened to. It was the kind of song that play at parties, so I never guessed it could be something I would enjoy listening to when just being at home. It turned out a little different.

The song I’m talking of is Sweet Nothing by Calvin Harris and Florence and the Machine. It has this party side to it, but when listening to the lyrics, it suddenly struck me. Nothing described what I had last year better than this song. I had this thing last year with a guy. It wasn’t a relationship, but it also wasn’t nothing at all. We would meet at night and then hang out, but we never arranged that. It happened by accident. The kind of accident in which I would walk into a bar, knowing they would be there, because they were always there.

The weirdest thing about it was that I knew perfectly well that this would lead to nothing. I might have still thought that in the beginning, but it didn’t last long for sure. We would never have become a couple. And we both didn’t want that either. He wouldn’t have been a good boyfriend for me. In fact, he wasn’t that good to me at all. It’s hard to describe that situation well, since it was strange and complicated, but o so easy at the same time. I guess the only thing that kept us together was the need for attention and affection. But we were opposites. I was the girl who would attend all her classes. He was the guy who only went out, every day again.

I knew it was leading nowhere, I knew he wouldn’t do anything for me. And yet I couldn’t end it either. We stayed in touch for far too long. When I decided to not text him so it would finally come to an end, he started texting me. And those little, stupid things flattered me enough to keep it all going. It was safe though, you know. I knew he didn’t expect anything from me. And what he expected, I wouldn’t give, because I didn’t feel like owing him anything at all. It was safe because it would never become real. It was safe because he would never get serious with me. Sometimes, I don’t like things getting serious.
This all doesn’t mean that I liked it. I liked it enough to keep it going, but also hated it at times. Nothing gives more doubts than this kind of thing. Wasn’t I worth more? Why couldn’t I take the right decision? Why did he stay in touch with me? Did he like me? What did he want from me? And so on. There were no answers to these questions and yet I couldn’t end it. Eventually, it ended itself. It died out.

This is not a love story. This is just a story of two people who needed attention but were afraid of the commitment of a relationship. This is a story about long nights, much beer and very sweet nothing.

It isn’t easy for me to let it go
I’ve swallowed every single word
And, every whisper, every sigh
Eats away at this heart of mine.
And there is a hollow in me now

So I put my faith in something unknown,
I’m living on such sweet nothing,
But I’m tired of hope with nothing to hold,
I’m living on such sweet nothing.
And it’s hard to learn,
And it’s hard to love,
When you’re giving me such sweet nothing,
Sweet nothing,
Sweet nothing,
You’re giving me such sweet nothing.

And it’s not enough
To tell me that you care,
We both know the words are empty air.
You give me nothing!