Life Choice # 6: Day or Night?

Up here, there’s a saying that can be roughly translated to ‘mornings are gold’. It’s the saying people use to get you out of your bed in the middle of the night… At least, what I consider to be the middle of the night. But I’m a night owl. Every morning I struggle to get out of bed, especially when there’s nothing fun to look forward too, or nothing as stressy as an exam. I need a really, really good reason to obey the alarm clock. After having the same alarm clock for 7 years or something, I still wake up quite often thinking ‘what’s this noise? What’s that? How can I stop it? I want it to stop! But how?’ Then I realise it’s the alarm clock, and I push a button, sometimes multiple buttons before I hit the right one that releases me from the annoying sound (which is just the radio, not even the annoying beep thing).
So yeah, mornings aren’t really gold to me… On the other hand, nights are my habitat. As often as I wake up disoriented, I can feel myself really waking up at 10 PM. And why go to sleep when you’re not tired? Having class all day and then going out until the sun comes up again – no big deal. I even managed twice to do this, and then without having slept I went to my morning class. I was pretty dead afterwards, and I sincerely promised myself never to do it again, but still I survived and really did that.

Mornings are made to work, you have to get up early because there’s stuff to be done and you should start with that as soon as possible. But nights are made for fun. You can either dance ’till sunrise or watch a movie, or listen to music before you go to sleep, it doesn’t matter – nights aren’t made for all duties you have to do. (It’s different when  you have an exam the next day, or when you do night shifts.) They have some kind of magic as well. You can dress up, put on makeup, lots of it because you won’t see it that hard, and become your ‘nighty’ self. When you don’t go out, nights still have this kind of ‘coziness’. Light a candle, close the curtains and enjoy your little cave. If you don’t even do that, remember that you sleep at night. Nothing feels as good as a warm, nice bed when you’re tired. That’s also a part of the night-time.

I guess it’s pretty clear I’m a night owl. No, I don’t like the idea of getting up because there’s too much that has to be done, too much that can bother you. No, I don’t feel well when I leave my bed so soon. It makes me nauseous instead. Just let me run around in moonlight and me is happy.

Kind of true sometimes. But still better than days.

What about you? Do you prefer day or night?

For once and for all

Addiction.
The moment you know exactly what you should do, but you don’t. The moment you know you should turn around and leave, but you stay. You stay and kill your conscience. Living in the moment, but not in the good way.
The feeling you should wave him aside and you don’t. Because you can’t really miss it. And you want more. So you stay, just to get more of this. Even though it’s certainly not good for you. And you know it.

But you stay.

Addiction.

I’m not good at saying ‘no’. If I want something, I want it now, immediately. There are times I really think about the future, but sometimes, I don’t care. What matters is that I’ve got the chance now to feel like someone cares, so Iwant to take the opportunity. There’s nothing as addicting as feeling like someone cares about you. Affection is probably the worst drug.
It’s easier to see myself as a victim that way. After we had met, it quickly became clear that this would lead to nothing. You can’t keep up the enthusiasm if you never meet each other, so I was sort of prepared for it to fade out, which it did. I truly believed we wouldn’t meet again, and above all, I believed it didn’t matter for him whether he saw me or not. I was like the optional part in his life. Which doesn’t mean it didn’t matter to me when it all really faded out.
But things changed again. We met again. It mattered again. At least it seemed to be that way. I was never sure though; was I being pathetic? Did he actually like me? Did he care? And how was I supposed to find out when we would never meet on purpose, when all we did was meeting at night by chance? I was constantly balancing between something and nothing. The voice of reason in my head was pretty clear: this is bullshit. He doesn’t care and never will, so stop wasting your time on it.

But how tempting it is to feel like  someone cares… So I killed that voice of reason, ignored it, burnt it down. Sort of. That’s when things only got worse. If someone brings you a teddy bear in the middle of the night, wouldn’t you think you weren’t just optional? That you mattered to him? When he leaves his friends for you, wouldn’t you think there would be coming more than just another night of drinking together?
Maybe I’m just wrong.
Or maybe he’s just an asshole who in fact never cared and who just tried to take advantage of me. At least the voice of reason in my head made sure I wouldn’t do anything too stupid, that would make it all the more confusing afterwards.
You know, after that, when it all faded out again. I returned to optional. Everything started to be ‘a long time ago’. We didn’t even meet at night anymore. You can’t live on nothing and so this died.

Of course I liked the nights with too much beer, cigarettes, him and his friends. But they weren’t quite healthy and mostly they made the morning after pretty hard. I shouldn’t blame him for the fact that I drank and stayed up such a long time, but he certainly didn’t help. His bad habits were slowly changing into mine too. It was all quite addicting, and that’s why I would never have made it stop myself. He was the one who let it fade away.

It’s probably better for you to have the source of addiction removed. But I truly hope I will see him again someday, just to show him what he misses and that I won’t be tricked again by him. Because really, I should have stopped you from using me this way, but while I couldn’t, you should have ended this twisted something right away. Like you subtly, vaguely said you would. But you didn’t.

So sincerely: fuck you.

In this context, please don’t interpret this song as a song on BDSM. Thank you.
Related posts:

* To get me out
* Running over the same old ground…

* Beauty in the breakdown
* To darkness and to me

Darkness – the bright side

It seems like lately I’ve been writing a lot about darkness, sleeping, and melancholia. I guess that kind of sums up how I’m feeling at the moment! Let’s have a look: on darkness I wrote this poem and this story, and this poem has got darkness starring. Sleeping is the main role here, and here as well. Melancholia is sprinkled over all above mentioned posts, but also in this one, and this.

But don’t think though that I’m on the edge of weeping and sobbing all the time. Mostly, I’ve got weird ‘not feeling anything really’ state. Then I’m not sad, but not happy either. I’m something in between and that feels a bit weird and uncomfortable.

But! After all, I’m still alive, and perhaps it’s better not to feel anything rather than to be depressed. To return to the above mentioned posts though, I’ve been talking a lot about darkness lately. Like, a lot. It may seem like darkness is a metaphor for sadness or death or something, and once it used to be, but now it isn’t anymore. I mean, darkness can be really soothing, and that’s something I especially realized lately. I like to keep my curtains closed until noon. It makes me feel like I’m in my own little cave or something.

Next to that, darkness gives good circumstances for a good conversation – it’s easier to be honest and at ease when you don’t have to face the other person. And the night is a very good setting for great memories. When I was thinking about this, I discovered quite some recollections that took place at night or in darkness. So it’s not always a metaphor for bad things, for sadness or anything. It’s also a metaphor for something more peaceful, almost soothing. Like rest. But not the dead kind of rest, if you understand.

What is darkness for you? What are your best memories that took place at night or when it was dark? Do you like nighttime and darkness or not at all? Tell me.

Don’t bring the light

Don’t bring the light.
I hide between the sheets.
Cover me up, bury me deep, to
Never wake again.
I hang onto the night.
Let’s forget what daylight looks like,
Let’s forget the other side.
The world’s sheets and there I lie.
Don’t bring fright, for I deny
Anything that could strike,
That could pull me back to this mortal side.
Wrap me up in warmth, dig me a hole.
Maybe this could turn the tide.
A pillow’s fortress where I’ll be left sole.
I’m hiding deep inside.
Please…
Don’t bring the light.