Fear of the Dark

When I was a lot younger and smaller, I was scared of the dark. Like any other child, I believe. For example, I firmly believed there could be thieves waiting next to the door to my room, waiting for me to fall asleep so they could get in and steal stuff. I now wonder what made me think I had anything worth stealing in my room, but back then I was convinced there could be thieves. When I went to sleep, I would face my door so I would see someone entering, just in case.
A few years later on there was a young girl missing in Belgium. Since that moment, I got scared of finding dead bodies. I was immensely scared of dead people. Honestly I’m still not very comfortable when thinking of that. But I did stop checking under my bed in my closets before going to sleep. I kind of trust that dead bodies don’t just end up somewhere in our house.

The older I got, the more I realized I shouldn’t watch scary movies. That could be thrillers or the paranormal kind of movies. So no, I haven’t seen Paranormal Activities. God I’m glad for that! I did see The Grudge though, half of it, as I hid behind my hand or a pillow or whatever quite often. While my niece sat there with a poker face, saying things like ‘Oh, now his jaw falls on the floor’ the entire time. Then we knew we had to hide, so actually that was good.
Later that evening we had to go to sleep. My bed was placed in such a way my head would be close to the suddenly suspicious looking curtains. We changed it.

I’m a scaredy cat. That’s just what it is. I’ve been afraid of the dark quite long, and never liked being home alone in the evening. The sounds you hear when you’re alone are definitely not the ones you hear when there are other people around. Suspicious as hell.

But things got better when I grew older. Like, I started to realize how small the chances are that thieves can just sneak into our house and wait behind a door until everyone’s asleep to steel my music box. The chances you suddenly find a dead body aren’t all that high either. Though I’m still not all that comfortable all the time, I sure am more rational about it.

So now I’m 19 years old, and scared of the dark again. I don’t know what happened. Since I went to university I have come home during the night, with barely any light so often I couldn’t even count it anymore. I was never scared. Maybe because a bit of alcohol and a lot of fun makes you more at ease perhaps. Then why am I currently scared to leave my bed at night? Why do I hesitate before I open a door? Why do I feel like I need my teddy bear? It seems like darkness got the enemy again. A while back I liked the night-time, because it feels like possibilities and going out and beer. Night was good. Now night has become the time when I can’t fall asleep and hear noises. Not voices, noises. All around. And often I can’t figure out where they  come from, what causes these sounds. Even with three other people in this house I feel uncomfortable. I kid you not.

You know what I think? I think my brains decided I don’t want to grow up after all, and they’re throwing me back in time. But if there’s any part I just really want to leave behind, it’s this one…

Of course I couldn’t not include this song…

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