The day has come!

Guys, guys, I have great news!

Last Wednesday, I had a ballet class.

*opens bottle of champagne*

I’m still a little sore, to be honest, but that’s the best part. My muscles have been reminding me of that ballet class for two days now, so I wouldn’t forget that it’s real. This has been my first dance class since the end of last June. Which is a long, long time. It was quite the struggle to find ballet classes here though. I didn’t expect it to be so difficult… If you want to do salsa or sexy dance though, worry not, on every corner of the street you will find a dance school for that. But ballet? Hoh no. And the classes that should be given, couldn’t happen because there were too little people to take part.

But luckily, one of the dance schools managed to gather enough people, and now there are dance classes!

The level was quite basic, because one of the girls started from scratch (and did a good job, seeing the circumstances!). But even for me it was sort of challenging, because I have no condition anymore. That is clear. After the class though, the teacher told me that I’m actually too good and that there are dance classes somewhere in a professional theater here, where I would fit better. That was quite the compliment! I’ll see what will happen, but at least there are dance classes, so that’s already very very good. And well, it can do no harm to work on your basic technique I suppose.

Also, when your in a dance class, you have no time to think. Or at least, the only thoughts crossing your mind are ‘stretch your leg! turn out! oh, and breathe, maybe!’. There was no time to think about my ongoing love-hate relationship with people, which has been haunting me this entire week. I’ve had a great time, because the weather was lovely and warm and sunny and I have been walking and walking, but on the other hand I’ve been so annoyed by certain people. Sometimes, logic doesn’t explain behaviour. I can be the queen of ratio, but when I try to understand boys, it fails completely. I wonder why they say women are difficult to understand, because honestly, I think I’m way more clear in my behaviour and everything. I’m never the one going all weird all of sudden. It annoys me endlessly when people aren’t clear to me.

But I’m not letting it get in the way. I’ve had a good week, I’ve had a good time, and in the end I am happy. And sore. Just perfect!

People (part 2)

Remember how I told you to nod with a very serious expression when I say ‘people’ and give this ‘you know what I mean look’? Well, you could also start smiling and say ‘yeah, people!’, because actually, there are plenty of reasons to do so.

I know I have been whining about the people, but it seems that the tide has turned and things have gotten better already. I’ve been visiting a friend in Poland this weekend, we had a great time, and then someone else texted me out of the blue, and I realised once more that I cannot live without them. I cannot live without you, people. You are the weirdest, most annoying things I know, but at the same time you can brighten my day and make me all happy.

The truth is that I need people around me. I need to talk to them, go have coffee of beer with them, have their company. I’m way more fun when I’m around people, because they are my audience. Give me an audience and I become a performer. It helps when I have good company. I’ve had the luck to run into some good people with whom I can really have fun. Also, I even made Polish friends, so I’m actually talking Polish for hours sometimes. (Needless to say it feels very badass.)

Whatever doubts I may have had, I’m not a loner. I can appreciate my moments without anyone around, but at the end of the day I need to talk to someone to not feel cut off of the world. So, dear people, whatever I have said about you, you know that I can’t survive without you…!

People

This might just be the most boring but straightforward title I’ve ever used. But the thing is, if I give this ‘you know what I mean look’ and then say ‘people’, you should normally nod with a very serious expression, and say ‘yep, ooh yes’.

People are the weirdest creatures out there. It’s not that I didn’t know in advance, but the past two days only made me more sure about it. We had introduction days here, which basically served to meet other foreign students. You would think they are cool and open-minded and very happy if they can talk to you. I was ready to make a bunch of friends and to talk to everyone.

Enter real life, and you get an entirely different image. I was quite convinced that everything was okay, because mostly, wherever I go, I seem to leave a good impression. I have made friends for life on many occasions. So I trusted that it wouldn’t be all too difficult now either. But then my friend and I entered the classroom where we had a presentation, and that was kind of not what we expected. Everyone seemed to group up within seconds. The Spanish people, the French people. After that we had lunch, and the Spanish people who sat across from us didn’t say a word to us.

When we returned home during the break, I felt like it was terrible. I really thought everyone would want to meet the other students, but they didn’t. And the best part was this: I had tried to talk to the French trio, but it didn’t last. At a certain point we were waiting, and one of the girls, who sat close to me, said ‘Belgium’. And then something about pretty girls. But it didn’t sound like she fully meant to say we were pretty. I just sat there wondering how French people can’t realize that Belgian people understand French… And seriously, if you can talk about us, then talk to us as well. But no.

It was strange. Very, very strange. We had tried to talk with many people, we did our best, but the response was meager.

In the afternoon there was an organised trip though, and then things changed. We figured out who the good guys were, as in, the ones who wanted to talk to us, and we managed to get them together and talk with them. Then some other people, who have been in Poland for the first semester already, joined the activity as well. There was this thing that we call ‘table football’  (do you know it?), and though I thought I sucked at it, I actually wasn’t bad at all. Give me such games, and I am happy. Even when I’m not good at it, I just like to play.

It ended up being a good night with nice people after all.

Then today we did a tour around the city, and it seemed to give more opportunities to talk with other people. So I made up the theory that a group of people who don’t know each other should have movement. As long as you can move around, you have the opportunity to talk with new people and also to end the conversation if you no longer know what to say. If you sit around a table, you just sit and you are stuck with the same people. For such a group as ours, that’s not very good.

Needless to say, the French people left the tour after a while. I don’t think we’ll ever see them again.

You know, my friend and I are both from Belgium, and of course you kind of stick together, but during the evening we spent a lot of time apart. We are not impossible to separate. We ended up having a good night with new people. Maybe not friends for life, maybe not friends for months even, but at least we didn’t lock ourselves in our own little Dutch speaking world.

Maybe the language was a barrier. As a Belgian person, who studies Polish, I can understand and speak English, French and Polish, so we managed. But the fact that so many people don’t speak English fluently makes it hard to communicate. It’s a sad thing, and not something I expected, but it can really become a problem when you want to have a conversation.

So yeah, people. Strange creatures, but interesting for sure.

For once and for all

Addiction.
The moment you know exactly what you should do, but you don’t. The moment you know you should turn around and leave, but you stay. You stay and kill your conscience. Living in the moment, but not in the good way.
The feeling you should wave him aside and you don’t. Because you can’t really miss it. And you want more. So you stay, just to get more of this. Even though it’s certainly not good for you. And you know it.

But you stay.

Addiction.

I’m not good at saying ‘no’. If I want something, I want it now, immediately. There are times I really think about the future, but sometimes, I don’t care. What matters is that I’ve got the chance now to feel like someone cares, so Iwant to take the opportunity. There’s nothing as addicting as feeling like someone cares about you. Affection is probably the worst drug.
It’s easier to see myself as a victim that way. After we had met, it quickly became clear that this would lead to nothing. You can’t keep up the enthusiasm if you never meet each other, so I was sort of prepared for it to fade out, which it did. I truly believed we wouldn’t meet again, and above all, I believed it didn’t matter for him whether he saw me or not. I was like the optional part in his life. Which doesn’t mean it didn’t matter to me when it all really faded out.
But things changed again. We met again. It mattered again. At least it seemed to be that way. I was never sure though; was I being pathetic? Did he actually like me? Did he care? And how was I supposed to find out when we would never meet on purpose, when all we did was meeting at night by chance? I was constantly balancing between something and nothing. The voice of reason in my head was pretty clear: this is bullshit. He doesn’t care and never will, so stop wasting your time on it.

But how tempting it is to feel like  someone cares… So I killed that voice of reason, ignored it, burnt it down. Sort of. That’s when things only got worse. If someone brings you a teddy bear in the middle of the night, wouldn’t you think you weren’t just optional? That you mattered to him? When he leaves his friends for you, wouldn’t you think there would be coming more than just another night of drinking together?
Maybe I’m just wrong.
Or maybe he’s just an asshole who in fact never cared and who just tried to take advantage of me. At least the voice of reason in my head made sure I wouldn’t do anything too stupid, that would make it all the more confusing afterwards.
You know, after that, when it all faded out again. I returned to optional. Everything started to be ‘a long time ago’. We didn’t even meet at night anymore. You can’t live on nothing and so this died.

Of course I liked the nights with too much beer, cigarettes, him and his friends. But they weren’t quite healthy and mostly they made the morning after pretty hard. I shouldn’t blame him for the fact that I drank and stayed up such a long time, but he certainly didn’t help. His bad habits were slowly changing into mine too. It was all quite addicting, and that’s why I would never have made it stop myself. He was the one who let it fade away.

It’s probably better for you to have the source of addiction removed. But I truly hope I will see him again someday, just to show him what he misses and that I won’t be tricked again by him. Because really, I should have stopped you from using me this way, but while I couldn’t, you should have ended this twisted something right away. Like you subtly, vaguely said you would. But you didn’t.

So sincerely: fuck you.

In this context, please don’t interpret this song as a song on BDSM. Thank you.
Related posts:

* To get me out
* Running over the same old ground…

* Beauty in the breakdown
* To darkness and to me