The World’s a Stage

With the exams currently happening and a lack of sleep, my emotional balance is a bit off sometimes. Mostly I’m just tired and sick of learning, but I know from experience that everything can become a huge drama if you don’t hold yourself back. And often, mostly before an oral exam I worry for, I tell myself one should always maintain one’s dignity and self-control. Like the exam is a stage, you’re going up, smile and wave, and if you need to breakdown, do it backstage.

If there’s one thing you learn from dancing, it’s to keep going no matter what’s hurting, no matter how tired you are. Unfortunately this virtue mostly only exists in me when I’m in a dance class, and not so much when I’m studying. Though I must say I have become pretty good at smiling and waving when I actually really want to cry. I used to take the test when I was really angry, then I’d go to a mirror and smile as charming as possible.

But the same counts for physical pain. I remember hitting someone during my last show and it hurt like hell even weeks later on (poor me). What to do what to do? Easy – you smile and that’s it. The world is a stage and even when you hit someone, or someone hits you, you have to smile and keep going. I know it’s easier when you’re really on stage and there’s music playing, but in the end you’ll be the one curtsying elegantly, so you win.

Ballet has this really good tool to help you train this ability. They’re called pointe shoes and make you dance on your toes. Really on them? Yes, on top of your toes. Is that uncomfortable? What do you think, darling? It’s not the most comfortable thing ever, no, but when you have the right shoes and they have been molded a bit, it’s actually not as bad as you might imagine. I had my first pair of pointe shoes when I was 13, but I didn’t have class, so I trained a bit by myself. They got too small, but I still kept using them. This year though, my teacher decided we would have pointe class, so now I’ve got a new pair which really supports my feet and look great.

Me is happy!

015

Am I a ballerina now?

Getting pointe shoes is a big step for every dancer. It’s like a dream coming through – even if that dream kills your toes. It’s the cherry on the cake. Because really, pointes give a kind of magic you can never really get without them. They make you look so light you can just dance on your toes like it’s nothing, while in fact it needs year of training. Also, in ballet lines are very important. When you’re not on pointe, your line always gets broken by your toes sticking out. Eech.

020 - kopieFor those wondering, it are Blochs serenades. For others wondering, that’s the door to my room. I don’t think the floor is real wood, but it is very cosy.
Now, where was I? As you can see lines keep going in these. Together with the ribbons showing off how small and nice your ankles are – I must admit I like slender ankles – it makes you look very elegant, perhaps fragile, while in fact you are really strong, especially in the legs, and your toes probably look bruised and battered. But you know, it’s all about illusions, as you might remember.

002It might be due to the many years of practice in the too small pointe shoes, but I’m actually quite okay in them. I managed to do a double pirouette already, I am able to do some rather inelegant fouettés, and the hops Giselle does across the stage (hops on pointe indeed!), I should be able to do those too. Though of course I only practised everything in my room. In our dance class we’re doing the obligatory exercises to strengthen your feet and ankles, but I’m not patient enough – I actually want to dance in them!

Now the only thing left to do for me, is to be ‘discovered’ by a ballet company and become the ruling star there. I feel like I’m getting closer already… But above all I get to learn to stand on my toes and smile though they feel a bit crushed. However much they get to hurt, you just keep going because it looks good and is fun somehow, and in the end you will get to curtsy, just like you deserve.

018If you’re wondering now whether it was all just an excuse to show you my feet in pointe shoes, well, it totally was.

Am I dreaming…? Most certainly yes…

My earliest memories are dreams. That says something about me, I think, because dreams are still very present in my life. They are creative, ridiculous, hilarious, or frightening. If you want to get to know me, try to discover what I dream.

One of the last dreams I had, included me getting Chinese pointes. (Pointes = ballet shoe with hard nose) They were very pink, almost purple, and it was hard to get on the boxes. But they made turning quite easy. Once more a prove of the fact that I’m completely obsessed by ballet. Sometimes, I dream that I can eternal pirouettes. In reality I have one sucky balance, but in my dreams I can turn as much as I want.

“Kill him zombiemother!”

I really dreamt this. In English. We had just seen ‘One flew over the cuckoo’s nest’, in which this ‘Chief’ is one of the characters. He’s this tall Indian, a good one, actually. But in my dream, he had killed my mother, and when he lay sleeping on our couch, I said to my mother: “Kill him, zombiemother!” Quite logic, right?

I have dreamt twice about a sudden ‘explosion’ of radioactivity. I could hear it in the air, and I was afraid because I didn’t want to be there when the world would end. In some other dreams, I’m completely depressed because I cannot escape the situation I’m in. For example, I once dreamt that my family and I were held captive by Voldemort. There were quite a lot of families there. One of themwas leaving, after having spent two years in that prison. When I heard that, I felt really bad, because I couldn’t imagine staying there for two years…

Last year, around this period, I went jogging to prepare for the jogging hell at school. One of the nights of that period, I dreamt that I had Cranberry cancer. Yes, in English. When I looked in the mirror, I saw that my head was all swollen. The next day, I went jogging, and then I knew why I had dreamt that: when I go running, my face blushes and feels swollen. Exactly what happens when you have Cranberry cancer…

On another occasion, I was almost eaten by a gigantic, fossil-like fish. It was at a swimming pool, in which there were a lot of dead bodies. You could only see them if there was a certain kind of light. There were also fishes like the one I just described. One of the girls that were over there, could control them. She made one of the fishes swim straight to me (in slow motion), but she said that she’d make it go away at the right moment. The fish dilated his mouth and came to me, and I was frightened and I closed my eyes… Then I could feel its cheeks touching me… And then the girl made it turn and I was safe again. Good god.

I even had a dream in which I had a suicide pact with two other people. One of them had died already, so I went to the third one who was in it and I said we had to do it too. She didn’t want to anymore, and I shot myself. But I become a ghost and I always stayed with one of my friends. This dream had a strange feeling of peace and tristesse.

Since my nightmare on frogs, I’m slightly scared of them. They were drowned in a sort of gelatin, and then served as a snack. Some of the frogs were still drowning. They all looked with both their freaky eyes and there were so much of them…

The ones of you who can interpret dreams, know me completely now. But keep in mind anyway: if you need a horror story, call me.