Will you find your other half?

According to Plato, people are always one half of a unity. Once we were cut in half, and from that point on we are searching for our other half. Isn’t that romantic? It means there is someone who can make you complete, someone who is perfect for you.

I think many Hollywood movies are based upon this idea. The idea of “true love”, the One and Only. There is this one person you should find to find perfect happiness. This one person who will make it all worth it. The One.

I don’t know if I ever believed that theory. When I was younger, I developped a pragmatic view on love. Romantic stuff didn’t appeal to me. Pink hearts? Fluffy teddybears holding the letters I LOVE YOU? No, thanks. Watching the sunset together, long strolls on the beach. All of this never seemed to attract me. Maybe I was just trying to be ‘tough’. It is very well possible that I just didn’t want to be the girly-girl, but more the rational girl. Add to this that it hurts less when you don’t go all romance and head over heels.

Maybe it’s just my nature, who I am. For a part, I’m convinced that I am way too rational to believe in an ‘other half’. Since I’ve been thinking quite a lot about ‘love’ and finding a good guy recently, I inevitably got stuck on the question: is there a One and Only? As I see it, love is merely the product of circumstances. I don’t think there is one perfect partner for you, no matter what happens. Wouldn’t it be too good that almost everyone end up finding the One? Would there really be a plan to make you meet your other half? I have a hard time believing that such a thing is true.

And yet, you never know.
Do you think there is this one perfect person for you? Is true love real, or just a fairy tale we like to believe?

For once and for all

Addiction.
The moment you know exactly what you should do, but you don’t. The moment you know you should turn around and leave, but you stay. You stay and kill your conscience. Living in the moment, but not in the good way.
The feeling you should wave him aside and you don’t. Because you can’t really miss it. And you want more. So you stay, just to get more of this. Even though it’s certainly not good for you. And you know it.

But you stay.

Addiction.

I’m not good at saying ‘no’. If I want something, I want it now, immediately. There are times I really think about the future, but sometimes, I don’t care. What matters is that I’ve got the chance now to feel like someone cares, so Iwant to take the opportunity. There’s nothing as addicting as feeling like someone cares about you. Affection is probably the worst drug.
It’s easier to see myself as a victim that way. After we had met, it quickly became clear that this would lead to nothing. You can’t keep up the enthusiasm if you never meet each other, so I was sort of prepared for it to fade out, which it did. I truly believed we wouldn’t meet again, and above all, I believed it didn’t matter for him whether he saw me or not. I was like the optional part in his life. Which doesn’t mean it didn’t matter to me when it all really faded out.
But things changed again. We met again. It mattered again. At least it seemed to be that way. I was never sure though; was I being pathetic? Did he actually like me? Did he care? And how was I supposed to find out when we would never meet on purpose, when all we did was meeting at night by chance? I was constantly balancing between something and nothing. The voice of reason in my head was pretty clear: this is bullshit. He doesn’t care and never will, so stop wasting your time on it.

But how tempting it is to feel like  someone cares… So I killed that voice of reason, ignored it, burnt it down. Sort of. That’s when things only got worse. If someone brings you a teddy bear in the middle of the night, wouldn’t you think you weren’t just optional? That you mattered to him? When he leaves his friends for you, wouldn’t you think there would be coming more than just another night of drinking together?
Maybe I’m just wrong.
Or maybe he’s just an asshole who in fact never cared and who just tried to take advantage of me. At least the voice of reason in my head made sure I wouldn’t do anything too stupid, that would make it all the more confusing afterwards.
You know, after that, when it all faded out again. I returned to optional. Everything started to be ‘a long time ago’. We didn’t even meet at night anymore. You can’t live on nothing and so this died.

Of course I liked the nights with too much beer, cigarettes, him and his friends. But they weren’t quite healthy and mostly they made the morning after pretty hard. I shouldn’t blame him for the fact that I drank and stayed up such a long time, but he certainly didn’t help. His bad habits were slowly changing into mine too. It was all quite addicting, and that’s why I would never have made it stop myself. He was the one who let it fade away.

It’s probably better for you to have the source of addiction removed. But I truly hope I will see him again someday, just to show him what he misses and that I won’t be tricked again by him. Because really, I should have stopped you from using me this way, but while I couldn’t, you should have ended this twisted something right away. Like you subtly, vaguely said you would. But you didn’t.

So sincerely: fuck you.

In this context, please don’t interpret this song as a song on BDSM. Thank you.
Related posts:

* To get me out
* Running over the same old ground…

* Beauty in the breakdown
* To darkness and to me