A Matter of Pride

For some reason there seem to be two approaches to the word ‘pride’. You can be a) proud because you did something well or b) proud and arrogant, because you think yourself better than others. When searching for appropriate quotes, I found among others this one:

“As long as you are proud you cannot know God. A proud man is always looking down on thing and people: and, of course, as long as you are looking down you cannot see something that is above you.”
C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

Apparently, pride is a bad thing. Being pride means being stuck-up. But why? There is also the good part about pride after all. You are very right to be pride when you get your diploma for example. Why is this word such an ambiguous one?

You see, there is also this quote:

“Vanity and pride are different things, though the words are often used synonymously. A person may be proud without being vain. Pride relates more to our opinion of ourselves, vanity to what we would have others think of us.”
Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

Well, this still doesn’t point out whether it’s a good thing or a bad thing, but it sounds a lot better. Maybe we can be proud and find God at the same time. Yay!

For me, pride means that I get out of bed, dress up and straighten my back. It means not thinking myself less than others. And the strangest thing about it, is that it only grows stronger. After having been hurt so badly by That Guy, my trust was broken, my self-esteem was dented, but my pride appeared and took over. I have never had a straighter back and a more royal way of walking than in that twilight zone, when I was hurt and didn’t know why. It killed something on the inside, but the hole that was left, got filled up with big fat pride. It even surprised me how strong that one was. You would think that a sad self-esteem level would lead to a general tendency to think you’re not good, right?

That didn’t happen. I was sad, but I wouldn’t want it to show. Maybe this pride boost had a lot to do with my  desire for revenge. When That Guy and I would run into each other, he shouldn’t see a sad, broken girl. He should see a strong, proud young woman. Both of these lived in me, but I wanted to show only the strong side. The side that wouldn’t let anyone mess with her. How can you be strong if you’re not proud of what you are and what you do? At least for a part?

During July I worked in a kitchen as a holiday job. I was very happy to have a job, despite the fact that in theory I couldn’t wear makeup and jewelry and I had to wear a shapeless white shirt and such a hygiene cap. Not very sexy. Taking away the ‘dress up, makeup, jewelry’ part feels like taking away a part of my personality. So I had to make up for that by having a good attitude. A straight back, a kind smile, elegant walk (although I had to wear shoes that looked like clogs). It was a good training in maintaining a proud attitude despite the lack of scenery such as earrings.

Pride is not a bad thing. For me it means strength, not letting people hurt you. It means not immediately assuming you are not as good as others. It means revenge, because it’s the thing you will not let them break.

So can we all please stop stating pride is something to run away from?

“Pride is holding your head up when everyone around you has theirs bowed. Courage is what makes you do it.”
Bryce Courtenay

The Final Episode

After writing that last post, the overview of the failed love story, I realized that I had not returned to peace like I had claimed. The more I thought about it, the angrier I still got. And I knew that this had to end. I had to do something in order to let it go. Because honestly, this was not good. At all.
So I gathered my courage and send him a message, in which I explained that in my eyes he had done exactly what he had told me he wouldn’t do, namely ignoring me. And therefore I no longer felt the need to follow his life on Facebook.

Yes, we were still “friends” on Facebook.

Then I deleted him. It was terrifying. I knew I had sent a pretty okay message, I didn’t insult him, I just said what I thought. Short and dry. But still, I didn’t know what was about to come and I was a little scared.

Today I read his response. He said that that was fair and then explained that shortly after our night together, another girl had given him a chance, and he had liked this girl for a long time already. Then he got really busy and after that no longer knew how to bring it up to me, so he decided to take a safe bet of ignoring me. I wouldn’t call it that safe though, because I was pretty outraged. But okay. He admitted that it was cowardly and wished me all the best.

There we’ve got it. An explanation at last. After I had read that message, I realized that I needed that so hard. I needed to know why I was left behind just like that because I couldn’t believe that he just wanted to use me for sex. But here it is. Reasons.

I then responded that that explained it, that I hoped things turned out fine with the other girl and I wished him all the best as well.

We then wished each other good luck with the finals and that was it.

I finally got my real end, my final post about it. It feels like a relief now. I got my explanation, I got my peace of mind again. Of course I should have done this ages ago, but I don’t think I could have done it a month ago. I needed all three months to send this message, but I did it, thank god.

So now I’m really back to peace. Doesn’t this seem a glorious reason for champagne, anyone? 😉

No, I don't need revenge anymore... But this was too brilliant to leave unposted!

No, I don’t need revenge anymore… But this was too brilliant to leave unposted!

Return to Peace

It seems that quite suddenly, I’ve got over my thirst for revenge. Even more, I’m not longer fiercely, ragingly angry. The state I’m in is a sort of ice-cold neutral attitude towards This Guy. And that’s kind of a change since I’ve been plotting my revenge for about three months now. Coming to think of it, I should have grown my finger nails, just in case our paths would have crossed. There is a lot you can do with long finger nails. I will not go in detail.

Either way, you might be wondering who This Guy is and why I have been plotting revenge for so long. Even worse, every memory I had of him suddenly ended with me pushing him away and yelling at him. I guess my brain was convinced it could turn back time and do this instead… But as you see, that didn’t work out. Unfortunately.

This Guy is someone who hurt me very badly three months ago. He probably doesn’t even realize, but he hurt me where it hurt the most right then. He made me believe he was a good one, he wouldn’t try to use me, and then, then he just ignored me. Decided that I wasn’t worth it anyways. I had told him that I didn’t want that to happen anymore. But he convinced me that he was better, wouldn’t do that, etc., etc. He had very blue eyes and I believed him. End of story: he broke my trust and I couldn’t take that at that moment.

Revenge Cat

After that I went through all stages: hopeful, sad, angry, sad, raging, very sad to finally come to a stage where I was plotting revenge. A lot. Mentally. Physically. I didn’t care how, but I wanted to rip out his heart and crush it, I wanted to make him feel what I had felt. There are plenty of ways to take revenge. You can sneak laxatives into someone’s drink. You can yell at them on Facebook. You can try to hook up with their best friend. You can kick them in the balls. Why not?
Most plans kind of failed because it’s hard to kick someone in the balls if you don’t see him again. That’s a bit of an obstacle.
Next to these kind of ‘direct’ revenge, I also had another way. In my entire life I’ve never had such a straight back as during that period. There is no better motivation to look splendid all the time than having the chance to run into someone you want to make longing to you. If I couldn’t hurt him by getting angry, I could perhaps hurt him by being so beautiful that he would regret treating me the way he did. And never ever would I admit that he had hurt me so badly. So I straightened my back and dressed up. Every single day again, even more than usually.

Revenge Dino

There are people who say that revenge doesn’t make you happy. But oh believe me, it would have made my day, my week, my entire month probably. I would have enjoyed it to the most. Honestly, I was at a point where only revenge could kind of make up for it all. It’s not just him though – it’s more a series of events that made me furious. He was just the last bit that made it explode. Would I have met him, I could have clawed out his very blue eyes to make him pay for everything that had been done to me. Not very fair probably, but hey, he hadn’t been fair to me either.

Despite all my plans and the fact that I sincerely looked forward to my revenge, there came a point where I suddenly stopped caring. Perhaps because I had (and have) another object of hate now. Maybe because after three months, it’s time to get over things. It’s a bit pathetic, the way I couldn’t let it go. On the other hand, it showed that he had hurt me verrrry much. But now I don’t want to waste energy on him anymore. Plotting revenge demands energy. Being angry does so too.

This could turn me into the happiest person you've ever met.

This could turn me into the happiest person you’ve ever met.

Don’t get me wrong though. I don’t forgive him. I would only forgive him if he would beg me to, on his bare knees and crying his very blue eyes out, preferably. (It adds to the drama for sure!) Nor would I let go any chance to take revenge. I would still feel no mercy at all if his heart would be broken. I’m not actively plotting against him anymore… But one sweet day I will make him regret it. I promise.

PS: Did I mention that he had very blue eyes? I’m not even surprised that I believed him.

The Sweetest

It was still dark when I left your room, your house and later on your street. I didn’t tell you I was leaving. I murmured I would be gone for a second and then gathered my clothes and took my bag. You didn’t notice, I believe. One last time I looked back and saw a silhouette, yours. Quietly, at peace, happy. I smiled. I stood there and smiled.
Then, as quietly as you were sleeping, I opened the door and not only left your room, but left your life. You didn’t notice, I believe.

It was still dark when I walked home. I had decided to walk, because it made my mind clear. Soon enough the sun would come up and end the darkness. For now I enjoyed the silence on the roads. There was barely anyone awake and I avoided the places where all the drunk people would still be going out. My way home was a great one, silent and happy. How could I not be happy now? This was as close to perfection as it could get. When I got home, I logged in on Facebook and deleted you. I even blocked you, so you wouldn’t find me again. Then I put on a loose shirt and went to sleep.

Recalling what happened before we ended up in your place together made me smile and slowly fall asleep. I slept so well. I haven’t slept so well in ages, it seems. It was just a great feeling. I even smiled when I woke up. I could feel the triumph running through my veins and making my heart beat. I felt glorious. I wasn’t even tired, and got a lot done that day. There was always so much work to do, but today it didn’t bother me. Today I felt like I could carry the world.

I told you I wouldn’t forgive anymore. I told you I no longer wanted to be forgotten about. And you told me it was alright, it was all good, you wouldn’t hurt me. It’s a bit sad, don’t you think? It’s sad to see how people can lie to you, just like that. But see, I didn’t lie. I told you I no longer forgive people, and here we are. I believe you now notice that. You have woken up alone. You even texted me, what you refused to do the first time we met, the time when you told me how you wouldn’t hurt me. I never answered. I broke the line between us. The fine, vulnerable line that caught you, and then me, the one that tied us together until I got my revenge.

I’ve been patiently planning this. I have been waiting and when we finally got to see each other again, I smiled my sweetest smile. We had such a great time, we talked like we did last time. Everything seemed normal and good. Exactly like I wanted it to be. Then you asked me to come home with you and I didn’t refuse. It may have seemed that I hesitated, but I didn’t. I didn’t, because I wanted to rip out your heart like you ripped out mine.

And look. You’re standing in front of my door, confused, longing. The tides have turned.

The tides have turned, my friend! And my revenge is sweet.

And justice for all

They say shards will bring luck.

“Why do you say that? Please don’t break my mirror. I still need it.”
“Are you vain or something? I’m the girl here.”
“I noticed.”
I wouldn’t doubt that. He put his arm around me, which made walking a whole lot more difficult. But I didn’t fight him off. We walked on, through the empty streets. You’d think there would be people all the time, but that’s not true. They appear at certain hours, as if it’s agreed upon. But how could drunk people remember such things? They probably had gone to sleep already. Maybe we could have seen the sun rise if we had waited a bit longer. But we walked on.

“Where are you taking me?”
“To my place.”
“Good. I’m thirsty.”
“I’ve got something to drink there.”
“I want water, I think.”
He laughed and pinched my shoulder. I didn’t pinch him back.
“Water, that’s for fish. I’ve got better stuff over there.”
“Okay then”, I said obediently. I was behaving like the good girl, which obviously pleased him. The tapping sounds of our shoes echoed against the walls. Slaloming around lampposts that dropped their light upon us. As if it were all spotlights, waiting for the action to happen so they could show it to everyone.

Avoid the light and the audience. This was not a play.
Beer bottles were left like bread crumbles, to find your way home again. I watched them, my fingers itched, but I was behaving like a good girl. My hand ran up his back. He smiled, but not at me.
“Are we there yet?”
“It’s the house over there.”
“Good.”

As he opened the door, I looked over my shoulder. We were leaving the stage, heading for the wings. No spotlights, no spectators. No saviours either. But I would survive. My fingers were itching. If only you could have seen me, there’d been a standing ovation. There was no one around though.
I followed him inside.

“This is my room.”
The clicking sound of a locked door followed my entrance. I sat down on a chair.
“What do you want to drink? I’ve got – let’s see… Rum? Gin? Beer?”
“Water?”
“Are you serious?”, he laughed.
“What else do you have?”
He took a bottle of beer out and showed it to me.
“That’s all.”
“Perfect.”
“Don’t you want anything… stronger?”
“I’ve drunk too much already.”
“No, you haven’t.”
That smile again. I reached for the bottle, took it, opened it, drank.
“Well, at least you know how to drink fast…”
It’s all because of the plan. You never know for sure when the curtain will fall, do you? Will the lights guide me home? You know, those lights at the front of the stage. Footlights. Guiding my feet back home. Safe and alone. I’m behaving like a good girl.

“Are you okay? You look a bit… nauseous.”
“I’m fine”, I whispered. I opened my hand to find the imprints of my finger nails in the flat of my hand. It almost looked like my hand was a map and the imprints showed the way home.
His hands were suddenly too close, running up my back, searching their way. I pushed him back off. Before he could do anything more, I stood upright. He tried to get up and reached for me.

But I smashed the bottle against the wall.

He stared at me, surprised and a bit shocked. He had freezed for a moment.”They say shards will bring luck”, I said.
“Why have you done that?” he asked uncomprehendingly. He still stared at the broken glass. My hand clasped the neck of the bottle, with the crenated edge.
I was no longer behaving like a good girl.

“What the hell are you doing? What is this shit?”
He started freaking out. Maybe he finally realized why I was here. Not to have a drink together. This is what you get when you deceive people. This is what you deserve.

***

There was still no sunrise, but at least the spotlights were still on. I was walking home with the sweet taste of revenge and a triumphant feeling running through my veins. Justice is what you make it. Justice feels good.
There was still no one around. If I closed my eyes though, the tapping sounds of my shoes almost seemed like there were people all around clapping for me.

A gun for a lover

Hush.

Don’t speak, my dear, I beg you.
The walls have eyes and they are watching us. Hush, my dear, before they find us, before they start closing in.

You believe in the power of love. I believe in the power of guns. It’s heavy in my hand, and it’s not even loaded yet. Its time will come. The sun is burning, my love, but I don’t know if you feel it. You know I will find you, in your cave or cage. Wherever you are, I will hunt you down.

I walk on. I believe devils exist. One of them is watching over me since my guardian angel gave up. He knew it was all in vain and left me. He walked away. I’m walking away. Sand, sand everywhere. And the sun is burning like fire, my love. Soon from now you’ll feel what it is to burn. The bullet in my gun. The bullet in your head. The sunlight dies. The night is coming. But I won’t stop searching, my love. You’ve run away, but I will find you. You left me, but I will find you.

Nothing will hold me back. I scream your name, my love. Maybe you hear me and cringe at the sound of revenge. Are you hiding behind this wall? It’s not a safe wall. The wind could easily blow it away. And then you’d be powerless. The bullet in my gun. The bullet in your head. I’m trembling of anger, pure hate for you. How could you…? How could you leave me like that? If I ever see your pretty face – I hit the wall – it won’t be pretty anymore.

Sometimes, I cannot hold it any longer. Then I smash walls and hearts and thoughts. All because of you, my love, and when I’ll find you, you’ll be smashed too.

Sounds. There are always sounds, even though it’s silent here.

We won’t survive. That’s one thing I know. He’ll find us. He’ll find us, the thought scares me. We’re already at his mercy. The walls are closing in.

Hush.

Don’t you ever want to shoot the pain away? It seems so impossible that you still love him. Love is always over in the morning. By now, you should be drowning in regret. Face the truth, my love!  Soon it will be over. Your prayers are worthless and won’t save you. Can you already hear me shouting your name? The walls must be trembling, like you are too. Face me.
A bullet in my gun.

A shot for the pain inside.

Read the lyrics when hearing the song!

The song is one of my favourite songs ever. Powerful, poetic and just great. Especially combined with the lyrics this song is mind blowing, and way better than my story.