The devil’s arms

You want to hear a story?

I will tell you a story – just don’t expect a happy end. That’s not how it goes. Because as always it started with a bottle, finished faster than it should be. Which is a sign that something will happen – either you remember, or you don’t, but something will happen. And the need for adventure starts running through your veins. Whatever common sense you were holding on to, you are suddenly willing to let go, and see what happens.

That’s when the danger starts. I put on black eyeliner and greeted the devil. He gently laid his hand upon my shoulder. I smiled at my reflection.

And into the darkness we went. Darkness dances best, and we only drank more – of course. I like that atmosphere of disappearing into yourself with the excitement in your veins and muscles. It crawls upon you and holds you tight. It points at the world around you and tells you you can do everything. Do it. Do it.

Then he came along.

I held the devil’s hand as he slowly started leading me further and further away from where I used to be. My vision got worse and worse, to the point where everything was blurry. Away from the lights at the other side. Wave goodbye to what is good and reasonable.

He kissed me, clawed his hand in my hair and kissed me. I closed my eyes and let it happen.

Don’t let go of me now, you were leading me somewhere. Beyond many points of no return – but with my eyes closed, I couldn’t see them anymore. They were humming, I could feel them, but I kept my eyes closed. Touched them goodbye. Didn’t let go of the devil’s hand, leading me away from all of that. He led me to somewhere deep, a place where I could curl up and fall asleep peacefully. He covered me with a blanket and kissed me goodnight.

I lost everyone, and I started feeling not well. I pushed myself up on the sofa, where we were sitting, almost alone, and tried to inhale deeply. For a moment, it was overwhelming. He took my hand and said: “We should go outside, maybe that will help.” So we went outside. There was a bench right in front of the door, which made me so happy at that moment. There was nothing more delightful than sitting and waiting for it all to pass by. I did start to feel better, slowly. Somehow, we decided it was time to go home though. And home we went. My home, to be specific. With one eye open.

I wished I could sleep. I shouldn’t, because it would make me hung over, but I wished I could sleep. Forever.

He said I should go lie down. He said nothing would happen. For some reason, I let him in. Vampires cannot enter a house uninvited. How did I even manage to open all three doors? He sat down, I moved around the table and sat down next to him. It was getting lighter outside already. I had lost all track of time. I had passed too many points of no return, and I would only come to regret that.

With my hands bound, my head down, my eyes closed, my throat wide open… The song got stuck in my head.

I lay there naked and cold, too tired to move. He stood next to me and covered me slightly with the blanket I was lying on. To my satisfaction he lay down next to me.

I slept in the devil’s arms that night, and no one ever held me tighter than he did then. With a soft breathing in my hair, his strong arms enfolding me and letting me fall asleep peacefully. Deep inside, I curled up and fell asleep forever. Just a soft, sweet silence.

I don’t remember much more than his voice, “I have to go home”, and the sound of the front door closing. It woke me up and made me run to the window. There he went, walking away. That was all.

Tear my rib cage open. Drag my heart out. Hold it for a second, and then let it fall.

His strong arms dragged me back to sleep. I curled up, in anticipation of the parting. I stood at the other side, held the devil’s hand and watched the lights. Silently I sighed and asked him if there was a way back. He shook his head and kissed me softly. There was a time I was on the other side, I told him, and you can still see the good one standing there. But he’s too far away now, the devil answered. You’ve followed me here. You followed me to the darkness, out of free will. Now you will always be the bad one. But I will hold you, and I will kiss you.

I know I have made too many bad decisions to return to the good side.

He let my heart fall.

The devil and I stood there and watched it happen. His hands were heavy on my face, and my ribs were broken. I crawled my way inside, lay down and watched the blind darkness. There was nothing but me. And there, isolated, with stones on my chest, I dropped on my knees and for the first time,


I begged.

*The song is Prison Sex by Tool. Yep, that’s the actual title!*

Broken Down Time

Let me tell you what happens when your watch breaks down:

You have no clue at all about what time it is.

You stay where you are for too long, because you have no clue of what time it is.

You accompany a friend.

It’s too dark because the windows are blinded.

You stay too long, because even if you had a watch, it wouldn’t be light enough to see it.

Daylight blinds you when you leave.

You don’t do as much useful things as you wanted to, because you haven’t had enough sleep – you didn’t know it was time to go to bed.

And two days later on, you do more or less exactly the same.


It’s time to have my watch repaired…

Harmony in my Head

The life of a student is hard. Yesterday, I got home at 4:30 in the morning, to rise at 7:30 again. Ouch. But I had a great night, and I guess that makes up for the yawning and sleepiness…
Anyway, here’s a catchy song that I discovered thanks to Rutabaga. As I am too tired right now to write a decent post, you’ll have to do with this…
(By the way, I still owe you the third part of Crossing the Edge. Help! University takes even more time than blogging!)

Am I dreaming…? Most certainly yes…

My earliest memories are dreams. That says something about me, I think, because dreams are still very present in my life. They are creative, ridiculous, hilarious, or frightening. If you want to get to know me, try to discover what I dream.

One of the last dreams I had, included me getting Chinese pointes. (Pointes = ballet shoe with hard nose) They were very pink, almost purple, and it was hard to get on the boxes. But they made turning quite easy. Once more a prove of the fact that I’m completely obsessed by ballet. Sometimes, I dream that I can eternal pirouettes. In reality I have one sucky balance, but in my dreams I can turn as much as I want.

“Kill him zombiemother!”

I really dreamt this. In English. We had just seen ‘One flew over the cuckoo’s nest’, in which this ‘Chief’ is one of the characters. He’s this tall Indian, a good one, actually. But in my dream, he had killed my mother, and when he lay sleeping on our couch, I said to my mother: “Kill him, zombiemother!” Quite logic, right?

I have dreamt twice about a sudden ‘explosion’ of radioactivity. I could hear it in the air, and I was afraid because I didn’t want to be there when the world would end. In some other dreams, I’m completely depressed because I cannot escape the situation I’m in. For example, I once dreamt that my family and I were held captive by Voldemort. There were quite a lot of families there. One of themwas leaving, after having spent two years in that prison. When I heard that, I felt really bad, because I couldn’t imagine staying there for two years…

Last year, around this period, I went jogging to prepare for the jogging hell at school. One of the nights of that period, I dreamt that I had Cranberry cancer. Yes, in English. When I looked in the mirror, I saw that my head was all swollen. The next day, I went jogging, and then I knew why I had dreamt that: when I go running, my face blushes and feels swollen. Exactly what happens when you have Cranberry cancer…

On another occasion, I was almost eaten by a gigantic, fossil-like fish. It was at a swimming pool, in which there were a lot of dead bodies. You could only see them if there was a certain kind of light. There were also fishes like the one I just described. One of the girls that were over there, could control them. She made one of the fishes swim straight to me (in slow motion), but she said that she’d make it go away at the right moment. The fish dilated his mouth and came to me, and I was frightened and I closed my eyes… Then I could feel its cheeks touching me… And then the girl made it turn and I was safe again. Good god.

I even had a dream in which I had a suicide pact with two other people. One of them had died already, so I went to the third one who was in it and I said we had to do it too. She didn’t want to anymore, and I shot myself. But I become a ghost and I always stayed with one of my friends. This dream had a strange feeling of peace and tristesse.

Since my nightmare on frogs, I’m slightly scared of them. They were drowned in a sort of gelatin, and then served as a snack. Some of the frogs were still drowning. They all looked with both their freaky eyes and there were so much of them…

The ones of you who can interpret dreams, know me completely now. But keep in mind anyway: if you need a horror story, call me.

Another life

They will let me go to bed, won’t they? Of course they will. They can’t resist. And if I ask for it, beg for it, make them crazy with my whining, they will open that giant door and let me go. I’m just so tired and I want to sleep. In a dark room, on top of the sheets. I’ll make my own little nest, dig my own little hole and sleep for the rest of the day. That’s how it goes.
They open the door. Is it really for me? Yes, they are looking at me and waiting, making sounds I don’t understand. But I don’t care. I go up the stairs, hoping for that one door to be opened. Then – footsteps. I look to the right. She’s leaving her room. The bed is empty now. The bed is empty. Would it be a good one? That one’s better. Is there still someone there? No. They aren’t. I can hear the dishes.
I don’t want to go there. Here’s my bed. I just have to push a bit and… it opens. Darkness. That’s good. Where will I lie? Here. It’s good. Some little pushing and preparing before I lie down and clean myself up a bit. It’s needed. It calms me down.
Someone opens the door again. I won’t move. They won’t pick me up and dump me somewhere else, will they? No, she just talks and lets me be. Good. Don’t hug me. Go.
She goes away. Could I make a perfect circle only using myself? I won’t try to keep my eyes open. They’re closing. No resistance.