For once and for all

Addiction.
The moment you know exactly what you should do, but you don’t. The moment you know you should turn around and leave, but you stay. You stay and kill your conscience. Living in the moment, but not in the good way.
The feeling you should wave him aside and you don’t. Because you can’t really miss it. And you want more. So you stay, just to get more of this. Even though it’s certainly not good for you. And you know it.

But you stay.

Addiction.

I’m not good at saying ‘no’. If I want something, I want it now, immediately. There are times I really think about the future, but sometimes, I don’t care. What matters is that I’ve got the chance now to feel like someone cares, so Iwant to take the opportunity. There’s nothing as addicting as feeling like someone cares about you. Affection is probably the worst drug.
It’s easier to see myself as a victim that way. After we had met, it quickly became clear that this would lead to nothing. You can’t keep up the enthusiasm if you never meet each other, so I was sort of prepared for it to fade out, which it did. I truly believed we wouldn’t meet again, and above all, I believed it didn’t matter for him whether he saw me or not. I was like the optional part in his life. Which doesn’t mean it didn’t matter to me when it all really faded out.
But things changed again. We met again. It mattered again. At least it seemed to be that way. I was never sure though; was I being pathetic? Did he actually like me? Did he care? And how was I supposed to find out when we would never meet on purpose, when all we did was meeting at night by chance? I was constantly balancing between something and nothing. The voice of reason in my head was pretty clear: this is bullshit. He doesn’t care and never will, so stop wasting your time on it.

But how tempting it is to feel like  someone cares… So I killed that voice of reason, ignored it, burnt it down. Sort of. That’s when things only got worse. If someone brings you a teddy bear in the middle of the night, wouldn’t you think you weren’t just optional? That you mattered to him? When he leaves his friends for you, wouldn’t you think there would be coming more than just another night of drinking together?
Maybe I’m just wrong.
Or maybe he’s just an asshole who in fact never cared and who just tried to take advantage of me. At least the voice of reason in my head made sure I wouldn’t do anything too stupid, that would make it all the more confusing afterwards.
You know, after that, when it all faded out again. I returned to optional. Everything started to be ‘a long time ago’. We didn’t even meet at night anymore. You can’t live on nothing and so this died.

Of course I liked the nights with too much beer, cigarettes, him and his friends. But they weren’t quite healthy and mostly they made the morning after pretty hard. I shouldn’t blame him for the fact that I drank and stayed up such a long time, but he certainly didn’t help. His bad habits were slowly changing into mine too. It was all quite addicting, and that’s why I would never have made it stop myself. He was the one who let it fade away.

It’s probably better for you to have the source of addiction removed. But I truly hope I will see him again someday, just to show him what he misses and that I won’t be tricked again by him. Because really, I should have stopped you from using me this way, but while I couldn’t, you should have ended this twisted something right away. Like you subtly, vaguely said you would. But you didn’t.

So sincerely: fuck you.

In this context, please don’t interpret this song as a song on BDSM. Thank you.
Related posts:

* To get me out
* Running over the same old ground…

* Beauty in the breakdown
* To darkness and to me

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15 Comments

  1. Yeah, learning from experience sucks.
    but now you know, and can shake the pezhead loose.
    And next time, you’ll know the difference between optional and necessary. And the one who finds you necessary will be lucky to get you.

    Reply
    • It’s somewhat bitter yes… But I’m glad I finally found the words to somehow end the confusion in my head about this.
      I hope I find someone who’s as kind as you are, and be as cute as you and TMWGITW are :).

      Reply
  2. Poor NBI!

    It’s never nice when your feelings towards someone aren’t reciprocated in the same way. Love can be very blinding and it isn’t until the veil falls away that you realise that life is full of arseholes.

    Reply
    • Yeah, that became quite obvious…! The worst part might just have been the fact that I knew it was going to end this way, I knew he was an asshole… And yet I couldn’t run away. But luckily I’ve got the Internet full of nice people where I can finally tell him off.

      Reply
  3. thegeekyg4mer

     /  August 5, 2013

    Oh how I can empathise with this. It took me 15 years of on and off before I finally saw the light!

    Reply
  4. It sounds like you learned something about yourself and that’s never a bad thing in my opinion. Thanks for sharing and hold your head up high. His loss!

    Reply
  5. Wow!
    I am blown away by your post as I have been in a very similar romance Addiction is what i have realized i have with him, an unrequited addiction and i had to let go before i lost myself.
    You express what I am experiencing so well, and gave me the words I could not find
    Thank you, I wish a pain-less recovery,

    Reply
    • I’m glad you too realised that it’s an addiction you should let go! Probably the first step to better things :). It took me months to find a way, to find the words to write this, but now I have found them, I realised even more that he wasn’t worth it.
      I’m glad you read and like, Baroness, and I wish you too all the best!

      Reply
      • Hey thank you so much NBI It is a feel good moment when you find a kindred spirit who can validate your feelings by giving them words. Thank you again for this.

        My wishes are for you to find only the best too. I know that settling for anything less is unacceptable.

  6. You never think you’ll get over it. But you do. Certain ones take longer than others.

    You have to let go of that hope to see him one day. Just to show him. Only then, will you be truly free.

    Reply
    • Hmmm, you’re probably right… There’s a great chance though I’ll see him again. But now I’ve finally realised what this was all about, I’m certainly not longing for him anymore. And the best revenge will be to find someone who’s worth it!
      Thanks for reading and commenting!

      Reply
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